2010: New Year, New Me

I'm back!!! It's been a while since I've written on my blog but the time has arrived.

A new year with new energy. I've welcomed the new year and the new decade with open arms. Last year was one of the most challenging years I've ever faced but I made it through by the grace of God and with a sense of humor. I survived! That's a major feat in and of itself.

Going into 2009, I knew big changes lie ahead as I sensed a shift taking place inside my heart.  I was beginning to question past decisions, the people I'd chosen to surround myself with, my ability to judge character clearly, why I was living in a city (Los Angeles) that represents fame, excess and lack of morals, where my life was headed and how on earth I was going to climb out of the rut I found myself in. I had no idea where or how to even begin.

I slowly but surely distanced myself from the toxicity of my so-called friends. Some were friends I'd known since college and others that were newbies, but all were not people who, if I had kids, I would want my kids to hang out with. Don't get me wrong, there were many happy times and great lessons I learned from my "friends" but when you cease to grow and the people around you are engaging in negative behaviors that become harmful to your own pysche, it means it's time to move on. I don't know why it took so long for me to awaken the common sense I'd apparently lost. I'm just glad it happened.

Part of it was having reconnected with my b.f.f. from college. We had gone through a difficult time following graduation and parted ways (not on good terms) due to our inability to deal with our inner demons, admit our own faults and get help. But my b.f.f. contacted me via LinkedIn in Summer of 2008. I waited three whole days to respond. I took the time to absorb her words and be certain that I had no ulterior motive in responding. From the moment we started writing, we easily fell back into our old, fun-filled friendship. We both took responsibility for our past actions and expressed how much growth we'd experienced. As time passed and our relationship grew stronger, I began to feel like me again. I realized that I didn't like this LA party-girl I had become. WOW. I admitted it. I wasn't happy with me anymore. I'd lost direction, gained weight, allowed people in my life who wanted to make themselves feel better by listing my faults for me and telling me how I needed to change, and I'd cut ties with the actual people who'd awakened a passion in me over the years because damnit, I allowed a "friend" to convince me that these people were unhealthy for me. Since when do I not think for myself? This isn't me.

I was ready to move back to the Bay Area to be close to my family again. My mother had been going through some major health issues and needed some assistance so that was another push in the direction of a move. I'd mulled the idea over for the last few months, especially since I'd come to understand that most of the people I had chosen to spend my time with on a regular basis didn't really care for or about me. The decision was made. I just had to tell my "friends." And so I did. I can honestly say that I felt a lack of support. Some "friends" said things in an attempt to make me feel as though I'd failed. I'd lived in LA from June of 2006 to Feb. 27 2009, just shy of three years. My "best friend" would insist I'd only lived there two years as if to say that I couldn't hack it. Well, guess what? I couldn't and I didn't want to. What sane person wants to continue in an environment where people can't be real, where they put up a facade, pretending to be something or someone they are not by living outside their means? Why would I want to continue living in a place where my "friends" were abusing narcotics by taking them recreationally and passing them out to their friends and even selling them for profit? Why would I want to continually subject myself to "friends" who blatantly talk about their "friends" behind their backs? If they're doing it to them, chances are they're doing it to me too! I was more ready than ever to say goodbye. By the way, I'm not saying that everyone in LA fits the above description. I just happened to surround myself with that very type.

For my 34th birthday, I planned a trip to New York City with my "best friend" as a last hurrah. It was my first time back in NY since I was 6 years old. I was born in New York. My family lived on Long Island. My parents were born in Queens and Mom was raised in Brooklyn. I came from a true New York Italian family who never minced words and always spoke their minds. I had such strong character. If I didn't like you, you knew it. I never held back. This was a quality for which my "best friend" condemned me on a regular basis. But the moment I arrived in NYC, I felt as if I was home. I don't mean the kind of home you live in. In NYC, I felt 100% that I belonged. It was a deep knowing, truly understanding where I came from and finally feeling at peace. This was one more sign to me that I was definitely on the right path of getting back to me. To read more about my NYC experience see the blog entitled, "My First Time in NYC" at http://musicgirlonamission.blogspot.com/2009/04/my-first-time-in-nyc.html.

Upon my return from NYC, I began to go through my things, figuring out what I could throw out or donate, and what really needed to move with me. Not only had I been doing a moral inventory but now I was doing a material one as well. My uncle was renting a U-Haul trailer to load all my stuff into and drive up to Northern California. I'd be moving back into my parents' house (Dear God, please help me). Truth be told, I wasn't looking forward to living with my parents again but I didn't have much of a choice since I'd have no job, a small savings account, and little to show for myself. But I did feel blessed and grateful for the fact that I have parents who were willing to give me their support to help me get back on my feet.  I quit both of my part time jobs, packed up and shipped out without looking back.

It's not to say that moving back was the easiest thing I ever did but it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. But so was moving to LA. It stripped me down to the bare bones; coming back built my character back up. I'm stronger than I've ever been. Again I was faced with major decisions that would either move me in the direction of growth or would keep me stuck in the same useless place I'd found myself in for some time.

As soon as I moved back I began looking for a job (unfortunately, this tedious task still remains on my daily to-do list). I got myself into a routine of running three miles a day at least three to four days a week which eventually turned into six to seven days a week. Rarely a day passes that I don't work out. I feel like a schlump if I don't. In 2007, life came to a total standstill following the break up of my year and a half long relationship. Because I was acting out by regularly drinking with friends and consuming unhealthy foods, I found myself lying on my couch for 10 days straight from a nausea I'd never experienced before. Following several trips to urgent care, I was diagnosed with acid reflux and put on medication. Eventually, with the meds, I got the illness under control but moving back to the place where I grew up and starting life all over again, it was my goal to get off the meds (I've never believed in putting foreign substances into my body unless absolutely necessary, especially for things that can be controlled with diet and a change in lifestyle). I knew I had to get my health in tip top shape. That's exactly what I did. Along with the shift in my exercise regime, I did a 180 degree turn with my eating habits and soon stopped the medication. My acid reflux was gone and I lost 20 lbs. I was a whole new person! Not really, but physically, I felt like I was back in my 20s.

During this already challenging time, I was running my mother around from doctor to doctor, to emergency rooms and urgent cares. She was in and out of hospitals for surgeries, treatment, and physical therapy. We thought the worst was over until she began crying of excruciating pain. This went on for months. It wasn't until a few months ago that doctors finally discovered the true source of my mother's pain. She was operated on two more times and is now on her way to a full recovery.

As this was all happening, my "best friend" was sending me aggressive e-mails accusing me of being a bad friend and of not making time for her. Funny because I seem to remember trying to talk to her and being told that I needed to be "scheduled into her calendar" because she was so busy. After many failed attempts at communication (I tried my best to maintain some connection so as not to throw a friendship completely by the wayside), I decided to put some distance between us but she called me on it over and over again. I just didn't want it to become a battle. I didn't want to run down a laundry list of items or reasons that it was no longer healthy for us to be close. Maybe that was the coward's way out but I didn't want to be judgmental. I just wanted to do what was best for me. But she couldn't understand my need for separation. Nor was she happy with the fact that I removed several of her friends from my Facebook page (they were her friends, after all). She told me that she couldn't maintain a relationship with me if I couldn't be friends with her friends. What kind of friend is that? I could see the demands flying. Too many expectations here. I could smell the end of this friendship coming from miles away.

Early in 2009, I began a long-distance relationship with a good friend that ended almost as quickly as it began. We had met through work and had been friends for several years. He was significantly younger than me but he appeared to be mature. He had strong morals, came from a close-knit family and we seemed to want many of the same things. I really believed the relationship would work but discovered that he wasn't quite the great communicator that I thought he was. So I ended it after a few attempts at making things right. Besides the years of friendship we shared, there are some positives that I can take from the short-lived relationship for which I am grateful. The first is that I recognized early on that this wouldn't work and I took the necessary steps in order to let go rather than dragging out the inevitable.  The second plus about this relationship is that it awakened something in me that I hadn't felt for a long time. I've spent the last decade determined that I didn't want to marry or have children but something about this man opened my heart to the idea that maybe those things are possible in my future. That's a huge step for me. And it feels good to admit it. So thank you to this special man for breaking me wide open.

Toward the latter half of the year I traveled to Raleigh, North Carolina to visit my b.f.f. and her family. I call this my "healing period." My "Eat, Pray, Love" moment, if you will. I was so wound up from months of no sleep and pure emotional exhaustion. It took me the entire six days to wind down. On day one, I remember driving through the back streets with my b.f.f. behind the wheel and crying. I don't mean just crying. I was bawling. Here was months of pain erupting from within. I was embarrassed but also knew that this woman sitting next to me understood me and knew that I was grieving and letting go. She and her husband helped me spiritually to find my center again. The word gratitude cannot explain how much I appreciated that they opened their home to me, gave me so much love (along with their children) and helped me see more than just myself. It was also during this trip that I responded to the latest accusatory e-mail that I had received three weeks prior from the "best friend." I was ready to say my final goodbye and let go of all the drama that had slowly worked its way into my life.

Since returning from Raleigh, life has been much calmer. Yes, there have been bumps in the road along the way but I am handling them with much more grace. I had the sheer pleasure of spending the last few weeks of 2009 with the family I love so much and friends that I adore. It gave me renewed hope for 2010, a year that I'm certain will be filled with plenty of smiles and a lot of faith that was so difficult to find in '09.

2010... I welcome you with open arms. I love you already.