When Life Changes You

I was working at a semiconductor company in the Bay Area when I was contacted by a recruiter for another high-tech company.  After several rounds of interviews I received an official offer letter that left me feeling as if there was potential growth within the company so I couldn't pass it up.  I started within the week.  Little did I know the real reason I would find myself at this new job had nothing to do with my career path.

I'd spent my entire life dating Hispanic men.  I’m full-blooded Italian and didn’t know much about dating other cultures.  I had no idea that my life was about to change so drastically.

I was at a peaceful place in my life.  I had worked through so much of my past that I could honestly say I had no hang-ups on any former boyfriends.  I've always used one relationship to get over another so it was a first for me to find myself not pining away for someone.

I remember the day I met him.  I was introduced to him along with so many others that I didn't remember his name.  He was Asian, a culture I didn't have much experience with (certainly not in the relationship department), one I’d never had an attraction to other than the food.  I’d see him walking through the hallway or from across the building and he would always very eagerly say hello to me.  I eventually pointed him out to a coworker to find out his name.

My first real communication with him happened while that same coworker and I were working on a team building event.  We were compiling team rosters by having each person draw numbers from a bag and placing their name next to randomly written numbers to form the teams.  As he was drawing his number he asked if I was going to the event.  I had recently re-injured my tailbone over the weekend when my nephew jokingly pulled a chair from underneath me and I was in such severe pain that I backed out of attendance.  He seemed disappointed.

One day while he was talking to an employee at her cubicle he cut her off to ask me what I had done over the weekend.  I could tell this guy was attracted to me but I was only interested in being friends.  That same day on the walk to my car in the parking garage, he came speeding around the corner in his fancy sports car and stopped abruptly when he saw me.  We chatted and he asked me to go to lunch sometime.  I brushed him off by agreeing but not really intending to follow up and then waved goodbye.

I don't know what got into me the next morning but I shot off an email asking him if he'd like to go to lunch that day. He replied yes almost instantly.  I usually ate at noon but he was in a meeting that was running late so he messaged me a little after 1:00pm that he was ready to go. I was starving!

We met at the elevators and walked to the garage together.  I don't know why I was so nervous since I wasn't interested in him but I felt shaky and had sweaty palms.  Conversation was easy as the chatter flowed.  We went to an Asian fusion restaurant that we both liked and we ordered a couple of things to share which I had never done with a man before.  Maybe it was because I knew he was attracted to me but I felt like I was on a date.  He even paid for me being the gentleman that he is.  We talked about relationships because that's where he wanted the conversation to go.  He said he was in a three-month relationship but that it wasn't working.  I barely ate my food out of pure nervousness; again not sure as to why I was feeling so scared.  We really seemed to enjoy each other's company.

The next day he invited me to meet up with him for drinks to celebrate a job acceptance of our coworker at another company.  I wasn't invited by the person hosting the party and I didn’t really know anyone so I accepted with trepidation.  I followed him over in my car as I knew I wouldn’t be staying long.  I can still see the looks of shock on our coworkers’ faces as we walked in together.  I ordered a glass of white wine and sat down on a big chair.  He sat next to me and put his arm around me on the back of the chair which made me uncomfortable.  I spent an hour chatting with everyone and then said my goodbyes.  He walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye.  It was the first time we had any physical contact and it was awkward being that I still had no attraction to him.

That night is when his text messaging began.  He sent me messages all weekend which indicated to me that he was thinking of me as much more than a friend.  Sunday evening I finally gave in and agreed to meet him at the mall for coffee.  When I arrived he convinced me to see a movie which was completely out of character for me when I had to work the next day.  I was already starting to change and I didn’t even realize it.

That Thursday a bunch of us decided to meet up for drinks after work.  I went over with a couple of female coworkers.  When we arrived he was already there with some of the guys.  I immediately made my way over to him and sat down next to him feeling anxious.  As usual, I ordered a glass of wine and some food.  I was so nervous I kept knocking things over.  For some reason, everyone was pressuring me to take a shot.  I rarely drink hard liquor and I never take shots so I knew it wouldn’t end well but I accepted the dare.  I could instantly feel the effects on my stomach and my head.  People started to dwindle, leaving me behind with him and two of the guys.  He said he was going home.  I was uncomfortable staying with the others so I jumped up at the same time even though I knew I couldn’t drive yet.  We stepped outside the bar and sat on a bench where I leaned over to catch my breath.  He put his hand in my hair and down my back to comfort me.  We sat for a while and then walked to my car where we sat inside for a long time until I sobered up.  He put his hand on my knee which scared me and excited me at the same time.  I was fighting the chemistry.  Before we left that night, I agreed to meet him for breakfast the next morning because I was calling in sick to work anyway.

Friday morning I awoke a little hung over but excited to have breakfast with this guy I wasn’t yet willing to admit I had an attraction to.  I had never realized how much race was an issue for me until I met him.  Spending so much time with him was bringing up all my issues.  When I was with him all I saw were his Asian eyes but I knew that I liked him and was having a great time with him so I continued on, holding my secret inside.

We met at a restaurant between our homes.  Ironically, he lived only a few miles from me so this spending time together was very convenient.  I pulled into the parking lot and into the space next to him.  He was sitting in his car.  He got out and hugged me hello and we went inside.  As we waited for a table, kids were everywhere screaming.  We looked at each other with a mutual understanding and immediately jumped up to leave.  We took his car and drove to another restaurant he liked to eat breakfast at.  Our time together was so enjoyable.  We didn’t stop laughing.  He decided to call in sick as well so we could go the movies.  This would eventually become a joke with his boss who would tease him that when I would call in sick, so would he.

We found a theater nearby and agreed on a movie we’d both wanted to see.  Throughout the movie he put his hand on my knee or touched my leg or hand.  My heart fluttered.  I didn’t want to admit that I liked it but I did.  It gave me comfort and made me anxious in a good way.  I spent those two hours sitting next to him hoping he wouldn’t take his hand off of me.

After a few weeks of spending four to five nights a week together having dinner and drinks, I realized I was dating this guy.  My friends and family inquired as to who I was spending so much time with.  I could see the curiosity in their eyes as I would say, “Oh, just having drinks with a coworker” or I would flat out lie about who I was with.  My mother was aware that I would sometimes spend time with a coworker.  She asked if I was interested in him and I responded, “Don’t worry Mom.  He’s just a friend.  He’s Asian,” because she knew I only dated Latin men.  One day I was chatting on the phone with my girl friend when she asked me what was going on with him.  When I said we were just friends her response was, “Whatever you say but I can see this is going somewhere.”  I was scared out of my mind that people would find out when I wasn’t even prepared to admit it to myself.

We would see each other in the hallway at work and my heart would start beating really fast.  His face would light up.  He once told me that he was in a meeting in our boss’ office when he heard my voice and became distracted waiting for me to walk by.  I would stop by his cubicle to say hello and chat for a few minutes but I was paranoid that people would suspect something (and be right about their suspicions) so I wouldn’t stay for long.  We were often together outside of work but I still wasn’t letting him get too close to me.  He would occasionally put his arm around me to walk to or from the car.  One time a colleague at another company ran into us at a bar where we were having drinks.  My guy’s arm was around me when we met eyes with the guy.   It was obvious to him that something was happening between us.  Another night when we had gone out for drinks he walked me to my car, slipped his hands into mine and looked at me like he was going to kiss me.  I abruptly pulled away and said, “Don’t!”  I don’t know how or why he stuck around and pursued me but he was so patient with me.  Instead I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a long hug.  He said, “Thank you for that.  It was nice.”

He was insecure about my past relationships with Latin men and regularly made comments about it.  The biggest running joke he came up with was that I “went from George Lopez to Jackie Chan.”  His constant banter about race didn’t help me to get over my own fears; it actually made them worse.   I was still keeping this big secret locked away deep inside and it was beginning to eat away at me.

Finally I was starting to admit to myself that I was carrying a torch for this man who had interrupted my plans and infected my thoughts.  He asked me one day if I had plans to get married or have children.  I had spent so much time convincing myself that I wanted none of that but I didn’t want him to walk away due to my uncertainty so I told him, “If it happens it’ll be OK with me.”  I think I was really trying to convince myself that day.  Little did I know that soon enough I would be imagining a future and a family with this man.  He had such potential to be a great husband and father.  He was patient, kind and loving.  He was generous, smart, funny and a good listener.  He was exceptionally close to his mother and sister which made me like him even more.  He’s successful in his career and carries himself with such confidence at work.  To this day I don’t believe he knows his own potential but I do.

The day I finally allowed him into my heart is one I will never forget.  We planned to have dinner at a nice restaurant at a hotel in a small town a few miles away.  I knew that this was the day our relationship would change, grow into something more.  The food was exceptional but the dinner itself was nothing unusual for us.  When we were finished eating we walked inside the hotel and sat down on a couch in the lobby.  I sat close to him.  I knew exactly what I was doing.  He put his hand on my leg for a moment as we talked.  I touched his leg then pulled away.  I rested my hand on his thigh again but this time I left it there.  I laid my head on his shoulder and he cuddled with me.  I knew the moment was right so I lifted my head to look him in the eye and put my lips on his.  We shared a sweet and tender first kiss.  I liked his lips.  They were full and warm.  He was a good kisser which surprised me.  I don’t know why I had created so many misperceptions about his race but he was defying all of them.

He drove me back to my car but instead of saying goodbye we remained in his car sharing passionate kisses.  I was surprised at how much chemistry we shared.  We must have stayed there kissing and touching for two hours.  That night I barely slept.  I knew I had fallen hard.

The next couple of months were spent mostly together.  We eventually gave into our whims and I couldn’t have been more pleasantly surprised by him.  We continued spending all our spare time together.  At work he would meet me at my car almost everyday to give me a hug and a kiss goodbye even though we’d be seeing each other in a few hours.  He made me feel desired, sexy and alive.  I couldn’t get enough of him.  I was finally starting to get past the race issue.  One day when we were walking through the mall with our arms around each other a Caucasian kid no more than 18 years old walked by, blatantly looked us up and down and said sarcastically, “Right on.”  It was our first racist comment.  It was the only time I ever let it bother me.  After that I could have cared less what anyone thought because I knew I was falling in love with this guy.

We shared movies, dinners, drinks and intimate talks.  He called or texted all the time.  His attention was always on me.  I thrived off of it.  He asked me to attend his best friend’s birthday party at a night club in San Francisco.  This seemed really important to him, like it was a big deal for him to invite me.  He booked a hotel room and made dinner reservations.  I had a new, sexy, black lace cocktail dress I planned to wear.  The night before, I didn’t sleep very well.  When I met him at his house in the afternoon I had a migraine that was hurting so bad the sun was blinding.  We stopped to get gas and coffee and drove to the city.  The hotel was beautiful and I felt special to be there with him.  As soon as we arrived, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.  He had to call the restaurant to change our reservation time. 

Dinner was delicious as always.  He had a taste for fine foods which never failed.  After dinner we drove to the club.  The music was blaring, making my headache worse.  He introduced me to his best friend and I wished her a happy birthday.  Everyone there had had a lot to drink, especially the birthday girl, and they were all having a grand time.  I felt like I was ruining the party.  We spent most of the night hanging out in a corner talking and cuddling.  His friend came over and pulled him out onto the dance floor.  Of course he dragged me with him but I pulled back because I still wasn’t feeling well.  He quickly came back over to me, eventually deciding it was time to go.

We had a very special evening sharing quality time together.  We talked late into the night.  In the morning he ordered room service and we sat on the bed eating and talking.  That weekend away marked a defining moment in our relationship.

Three months into the relationship I felt him pulling away.  I confronted him which pushed him even further away.  He broke up with me, giving me some made-up excuse of possibly going back to the country he was from.  I didn’t believe it for a second.  I knew he was just scared of what he was feeling for me.  I was heartbroken.  I spent hours at his house talking and crying to him.  It was the first time I told him that I was falling in love with him.  He was dumping me and I was telling him that I loved him.  He comforted me, held me, rubbed my back, kissed me and you can imagine what else.  Then we went to dinner.  Who does this?  I left his house that night devastated.  Who knew that I could fall so fast, so hard with someone I had nothing in common with and wasn’t even attracted to initially?  I sent him a text message telling him that my heart was in pieces.  He responded with an apology and told me he loved me too.

Within a few days of our breakup he began sending text messages telling me his missed me.  We fell right back into our pattern of dinners and spending regular time together.  The breakup brought us closer together.  Eventually we found ourselves right back in the same situation.  When we were together everything was amazing.  We never argued.  We always laughed and shared our lives.  We were perfect together.  I supported his career, his promotion and other significant events occurring in his life and in exchange he supported my health concern, job loss and so many other important moments.  But it always came back to him pulling away from me.  I was scared and confused.  We had bonded so closely and I visualized myself sharing a life with him.  Each time a break up occurred it was worse than the time before.  It devastated me and it would take me time to catch my breath.

It was the most amazing seven months of my life until it happened again.  He tells me that it’s his fault, that he always makes me sad.  I don’t understand how he can run from something so beautiful.  His fear is our only problem.  I honestly see a scared little boy in a man’s body.  It makes me sad that he will let his fear ruin our relationship, our love.

This man broke down so many of my barriers about race, love and intimacy.  He affected my life profoundly and changed me in ways I didn’t understand were possible.  I went from seeing an Asian man in front of me to loving a man who happened to be Asian.  I know that God put him in my path for a very important reason.  Even now I don’t feel as if it’s over.  Maybe God is just giving us a break to gather our thoughts.  And if it’s not in God’s plans for us to be in each other’s lives, I will do my best to accept it and walk away.  It’s in His hands now and I thank Him for giving me this time with the man who captured my heart.

How I lost 23 lbs I didn't know I had to lose...

In the last six months, I've been questioned from every angle as to how I've lost 23 pounds I hadn't even realized I'd gained until I really began looking at it from a health aspect.

For those that have been asking how I lost all the weight, I'm ready to tell all.  But before I do, here's a little insight into how I gained it in the first place.  If you don't know how you got there, you'll never know how to keep it off in the future.

It was October of 2007, following the break up an almost two-year relationship when I found myself nauseous for 10 days straight.  For several months I'd been unhappy.  I'd been downright depressed.  I'd been eating ice cream (a poor choice not just because it's fattening but also because I'm lactose intolerant) and chocolate candy, and blending the two: chocolate ice cream.  I was going out with my friends to the bar and drinking excessively.  Throughout the summer, in order to cope, I spent weekends at my apartment complex pool with my friends drinking margaritas and daiquiris and eating unhealthy finger foods.  This lousy behavior lead to my rock bottom.

I could barely get out of bed because the room wouldn't stop spinning.  I've always been that girl who has nausea so when it first started I didn't think anything of it.  But as the days went by and the nausea grew worse, to the point that I couldn't function, I knew something was very wrong.  I did everything I'd ever been taught in order to alleviate my symptoms.  I drank Sprite, ate saltine crackers, slept a lot, continued exercising and trying to eat a fairly healthy diet and I even got anti-nausea medication in the form of syrup from the pharmacy but nothing seemed to work.  I went to two different urgent care centers but none of the diagnoses seemed to fit me and the solutions didn't change a thing.  I had been in LA for a year and a half and still hadn't found myself a primary care physician.  The day my nausea got so bad, I called my friend sobbing and asked her to go to yet another urgent care with me to find out what was wrong because I couldn't stand it any longer.

When I was finished with work that day, off we went, traipsing from Santa Monica to Marina del Rey in the midst of rush hour traffic.  The moment I walked into the urgent care offices, I already felt relief.  The nurse started by running down a list of probing questions to which I responded matter-of-factly.  The final question: Could you be pregnant?  "Umm, NO!"  I told the nurse, "I've had my period.  I can't be pregnant," to which she immediately responded, "Just because you've had your period doesn't mean you can't be pregnant."  HELLO!  Where the hell have I been over the last 30 years of life?  Did I miss sex ed?  Apparently so.  At this point, I immediately flipped out.  I could not, would not be pregnant with his baby.  She handed me a cup and told me to pee in it so she could be certain I wasn't pregnant.

I was so scared.  I anxiously peed in the cup and handed it to the nurse.  Thank God she did the test right away and it was only a matter of minutes before I officially knew I was NOT pregnant.  Thank you dear Lord for that lesson learned.  You see, my relationship had ended poorly.  The guy had cheated on me and done some other horrible things so this is clearly someone I did not want to parent a child with under any circumstances.

The doctor came into the room and introduced himself.  He was not much older than me which made me uncomfortable, yet at the same time I knew I was in capable hands, someone who was up on the latest medical technology and treatments.  We talked about the possibility of pregnancy, what my lifestyle was like and how I got to this particular place.  He said it sounded like acid reflux but he wanted to run a full gamut of tests to be sure.  I also asked him, just to be on the safe side and rule out all possibilities, to test me for all STDs.  Scared as I was, I wanted to be certain that I didn't leave that relationship with a gift from my ex.

In the midst of our conversation and the doctor's questions, I filled him in on the relationship.  I was sitting in this exam room with a doctor whom I'd just met ten minutes before, with my friend, crying.  The doctor told me, "Don't cry.  Look at you, sitting in urgent care, wearing a West Coast Choppers sweatshirt, crying."  He certainly got a laugh out of me.  If you've been living on another planet and don't know, West Coast Choppers is a motorcycle manufacturer based in Long Beach, California which is owned by Sandra Bullock's husband, Jesse James, the host of the Discovery Channel's hit show "Monster Garage."  It's fair to say that it's an oxymoron to be crying in this "tough girl" sweatshirt.  I loved that this doctor had a sense of humor and knew how to make his patients laugh in a serious and tear-filled moment.  In that moment I knew I'd found my new primary doc.

That week the doctor sent me for blood and urine tests to determine the root of cause for my sickness.  All tests came back negative which was a welcomed relief.  All of the results for blood glucose, cholesterol, triglycerides, etc., came back normal so I was basically in a normal state of health except for this nausea.  The doctor determined that I had acid reflux and the beginnings of an ulcer (thanks to all the Advil I'd been taking along with the Lactaid pills consumed with the ice cream) and he prescribed me the medication Omeprazole (generic for Prilosec) and also urged me to immediately move to a bland diet.  That meant no more alcohol, salt, acidic foods like tomatoes (I'm Italian.  What am I going to do without sauce?), no coffee or chocolate (caffeine is a huge trigger of acid reflux) and no more carbonated drinks because the bubbles only increase the acid in my stomach.  My doctor also suggested going to Whole Foods and checking out its selection of natural remedies for acid reflux.  He was the type of physician who preferred to fight illness with food, herbs and vitamins.  I knew we'd get along.

So here I was depressed, sick beyond belief and feeling very alone.  I drove straight to Longs to get my prescription and picked up a Sees chocolate candy bar with almonds at the register.  I'd be taking my medicine and saying my final farewell to chocolate.
As the weeks wore on with no coffee or chocolate and with my new best friend: my medication, the acid reflux was beginning to get under control.  Once in a while I'd have a slip up and grab a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup or a cup of coffee but I tried my best to avoid the foods the doc recommended against.  I started noticing my weight gain when I'd look at photos of myself and I was definitely not happy with the way I looked. I wasn't weighing myself so I didn't know for sure but the spare tire around my waist, which was visible to anybody with eyes, was a huge clue.  I'd go back home to visit my family and the photos would haunt me and taunt me, telling me how "fat" I'd become.  I'm not trying to offend anyone by using the word "fat" but for me, a petite 5'3", this was fat.  My unhealthy lifestyle and weight gain was definitely a factor in my move back to San Jose but I didn't comprehend that until I was home for at least six months and able to fully absorb the effects of LA on my body, mind and spirit.
As I acclimated back into a suburban lifestyle, I began changing my ways.  At the same time I was going through my own metamorphosis, a new television show started airing, one I'd been waiting for for over a year: The Doctor Oz Show.  I'd watched him on Oprah since his first appearance and slowly picked up many of his suggestions but I never fully incorporated them into my life - until now.  Some people think I'm crazy for taking the advice of a man on TV but Dr. Oz is not just any man.  He is a real life heart surgeon who heads up the cardiovascular surgery department at New York-Presbyterian Hospital in New York City.  He is a well-rounded physician and knows exactly what he's talking about when it comes to anything regarding the human body.  So with his medical advice, I began changing my life.
These are the changes I made:

1. I began taking probiotics (Good Belly, the probiotic drink I take, contains a live active culture like most yogurts except Good Belly is dairy-free).  These good bacteria help aid your body in digestion by attacking the bad bacteria in your system which in turn, helps in strengthening the immune system.  Probiotics can also be taken in pill form but pills do not contain the live culture so it's not as beneficial.  Click on the link for more info on Good Belly.
2. I eat less meat (beef and chicken) and more fish including salmon, cod, catfish and roughy.
3. I eat more tofu and vegetarian meals.  I am not, by any means, a vegetarian or suggest that you become one.  But I do know that going back to a basic diet of non-processed/packaged foods is the best thing we can do for our bodies so I try my best to limit my meat intake.
4. I cut out white foods including white bread, flour, etc.  (I do cheat sometimes but I don't make it a habit of eating these types of foods).  I replaced white stuff with whole grains and oats.
5. I cut out sugars including sports drinks, juices, soda and candy (except on occasion).
6. I exercise 5-7 days per week (running 3 miles a day) and weights, crunches, lunges a few times a week.
7. I eat breakfast everyday (never skip breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day) which includes a bowl of Cheerios or oatmeal and a smoothie made of frozen berries (dark berries loaded with antioxidants like blueberries, blackberries and raspberries - you can find a large bag in the frozen food section at Costco), 1/2 banana, soy milk, and 1 scoop of ground flax seed (for extra fiber and Omega 3) plus I take a multi-vitamin, calcium citrate with Vitamin D and magnesium, and fish oil (pill form, also with Omega 3).
8. Snacks throughout the day that consist of fruits and vegetables, a handful of nuts or pretzels, or granola.  
9. No more alcohol except for the occasional glass of wine or a wine-filled night.  Even then, I only drink red wine because there's too much sugar in white.

I'm not going to lie and say that I don't cheat now and again.  It's OK to have a handful of chocolate once in a while or that piece of cake at your birthday party but if you don't do it everyday, chances are it won't affect you too terribly.  It's like anything else - moderation.  I do drink coffee again - one cup a day.  While caffeine causes acid in the stomach, I now have my acid reflux under control and the caffeine doesn't affect me the way that it used it.  And oh by the way, I quit taking my medication about six months ago!  I didn't want to be a slave to medicine for the rest of my life so through changing the things I had control over such as food, sleep, exercise, etc., I have been able to manage my own health and the results have been amazing.  In the process, the pounds have melted away, sometimes without even trying.

Before I say goodbye, I'd like to share with you some before and after and transition photos.  Living a healthy lifestyle really does work and here are the pictures to prove it.
Happy Living!

Before
4/2008

5/2008

12/2008

1/2009

Transition
6/2009

After
9/2009

2010: New Year, New Me

I'm back!!! It's been a while since I've written on my blog but the time has arrived.

A new year with new energy. I've welcomed the new year and the new decade with open arms. Last year was one of the most challenging years I've ever faced but I made it through by the grace of God and with a sense of humor. I survived! That's a major feat in and of itself.

Going into 2009, I knew big changes lie ahead as I sensed a shift taking place inside my heart.  I was beginning to question past decisions, the people I'd chosen to surround myself with, my ability to judge character clearly, why I was living in a city (Los Angeles) that represents fame, excess and lack of morals, where my life was headed and how on earth I was going to climb out of the rut I found myself in. I had no idea where or how to even begin.

I slowly but surely distanced myself from the toxicity of my so-called friends. Some were friends I'd known since college and others that were newbies, but all were not people who, if I had kids, I would want my kids to hang out with. Don't get me wrong, there were many happy times and great lessons I learned from my "friends" but when you cease to grow and the people around you are engaging in negative behaviors that become harmful to your own pysche, it means it's time to move on. I don't know why it took so long for me to awaken the common sense I'd apparently lost. I'm just glad it happened.

Part of it was having reconnected with my b.f.f. from college. We had gone through a difficult time following graduation and parted ways (not on good terms) due to our inability to deal with our inner demons, admit our own faults and get help. But my b.f.f. contacted me via LinkedIn in Summer of 2008. I waited three whole days to respond. I took the time to absorb her words and be certain that I had no ulterior motive in responding. From the moment we started writing, we easily fell back into our old, fun-filled friendship. We both took responsibility for our past actions and expressed how much growth we'd experienced. As time passed and our relationship grew stronger, I began to feel like me again. I realized that I didn't like this LA party-girl I had become. WOW. I admitted it. I wasn't happy with me anymore. I'd lost direction, gained weight, allowed people in my life who wanted to make themselves feel better by listing my faults for me and telling me how I needed to change, and I'd cut ties with the actual people who'd awakened a passion in me over the years because damnit, I allowed a "friend" to convince me that these people were unhealthy for me. Since when do I not think for myself? This isn't me.

I was ready to move back to the Bay Area to be close to my family again. My mother had been going through some major health issues and needed some assistance so that was another push in the direction of a move. I'd mulled the idea over for the last few months, especially since I'd come to understand that most of the people I had chosen to spend my time with on a regular basis didn't really care for or about me. The decision was made. I just had to tell my "friends." And so I did. I can honestly say that I felt a lack of support. Some "friends" said things in an attempt to make me feel as though I'd failed. I'd lived in LA from June of 2006 to Feb. 27 2009, just shy of three years. My "best friend" would insist I'd only lived there two years as if to say that I couldn't hack it. Well, guess what? I couldn't and I didn't want to. What sane person wants to continue in an environment where people can't be real, where they put up a facade, pretending to be something or someone they are not by living outside their means? Why would I want to continue living in a place where my "friends" were abusing narcotics by taking them recreationally and passing them out to their friends and even selling them for profit? Why would I want to continually subject myself to "friends" who blatantly talk about their "friends" behind their backs? If they're doing it to them, chances are they're doing it to me too! I was more ready than ever to say goodbye. By the way, I'm not saying that everyone in LA fits the above description. I just happened to surround myself with that very type.

For my 34th birthday, I planned a trip to New York City with my "best friend" as a last hurrah. It was my first time back in NY since I was 6 years old. I was born in New York. My family lived on Long Island. My parents were born in Queens and Mom was raised in Brooklyn. I came from a true New York Italian family who never minced words and always spoke their minds. I had such strong character. If I didn't like you, you knew it. I never held back. This was a quality for which my "best friend" condemned me on a regular basis. But the moment I arrived in NYC, I felt as if I was home. I don't mean the kind of home you live in. In NYC, I felt 100% that I belonged. It was a deep knowing, truly understanding where I came from and finally feeling at peace. This was one more sign to me that I was definitely on the right path of getting back to me. To read more about my NYC experience see the blog entitled, "My First Time in NYC" at http://musicgirlonamission.blogspot.com/2009/04/my-first-time-in-nyc.html.

Upon my return from NYC, I began to go through my things, figuring out what I could throw out or donate, and what really needed to move with me. Not only had I been doing a moral inventory but now I was doing a material one as well. My uncle was renting a U-Haul trailer to load all my stuff into and drive up to Northern California. I'd be moving back into my parents' house (Dear God, please help me). Truth be told, I wasn't looking forward to living with my parents again but I didn't have much of a choice since I'd have no job, a small savings account, and little to show for myself. But I did feel blessed and grateful for the fact that I have parents who were willing to give me their support to help me get back on my feet.  I quit both of my part time jobs, packed up and shipped out without looking back.

It's not to say that moving back was the easiest thing I ever did but it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. But so was moving to LA. It stripped me down to the bare bones; coming back built my character back up. I'm stronger than I've ever been. Again I was faced with major decisions that would either move me in the direction of growth or would keep me stuck in the same useless place I'd found myself in for some time.

As soon as I moved back I began looking for a job (unfortunately, this tedious task still remains on my daily to-do list). I got myself into a routine of running three miles a day at least three to four days a week which eventually turned into six to seven days a week. Rarely a day passes that I don't work out. I feel like a schlump if I don't. In 2007, life came to a total standstill following the break up of my year and a half long relationship. Because I was acting out by regularly drinking with friends and consuming unhealthy foods, I found myself lying on my couch for 10 days straight from a nausea I'd never experienced before. Following several trips to urgent care, I was diagnosed with acid reflux and put on medication. Eventually, with the meds, I got the illness under control but moving back to the place where I grew up and starting life all over again, it was my goal to get off the meds (I've never believed in putting foreign substances into my body unless absolutely necessary, especially for things that can be controlled with diet and a change in lifestyle). I knew I had to get my health in tip top shape. That's exactly what I did. Along with the shift in my exercise regime, I did a 180 degree turn with my eating habits and soon stopped the medication. My acid reflux was gone and I lost 20 lbs. I was a whole new person! Not really, but physically, I felt like I was back in my 20s.

During this already challenging time, I was running my mother around from doctor to doctor, to emergency rooms and urgent cares. She was in and out of hospitals for surgeries, treatment, and physical therapy. We thought the worst was over until she began crying of excruciating pain. This went on for months. It wasn't until a few months ago that doctors finally discovered the true source of my mother's pain. She was operated on two more times and is now on her way to a full recovery.

As this was all happening, my "best friend" was sending me aggressive e-mails accusing me of being a bad friend and of not making time for her. Funny because I seem to remember trying to talk to her and being told that I needed to be "scheduled into her calendar" because she was so busy. After many failed attempts at communication (I tried my best to maintain some connection so as not to throw a friendship completely by the wayside), I decided to put some distance between us but she called me on it over and over again. I just didn't want it to become a battle. I didn't want to run down a laundry list of items or reasons that it was no longer healthy for us to be close. Maybe that was the coward's way out but I didn't want to be judgmental. I just wanted to do what was best for me. But she couldn't understand my need for separation. Nor was she happy with the fact that I removed several of her friends from my Facebook page (they were her friends, after all). She told me that she couldn't maintain a relationship with me if I couldn't be friends with her friends. What kind of friend is that? I could see the demands flying. Too many expectations here. I could smell the end of this friendship coming from miles away.

Early in 2009, I began a long-distance relationship with a good friend that ended almost as quickly as it began. We had met through work and had been friends for several years. He was significantly younger than me but he appeared to be mature. He had strong morals, came from a close-knit family and we seemed to want many of the same things. I really believed the relationship would work but discovered that he wasn't quite the great communicator that I thought he was. So I ended it after a few attempts at making things right. Besides the years of friendship we shared, there are some positives that I can take from the short-lived relationship for which I am grateful. The first is that I recognized early on that this wouldn't work and I took the necessary steps in order to let go rather than dragging out the inevitable.  The second plus about this relationship is that it awakened something in me that I hadn't felt for a long time. I've spent the last decade determined that I didn't want to marry or have children but something about this man opened my heart to the idea that maybe those things are possible in my future. That's a huge step for me. And it feels good to admit it. So thank you to this special man for breaking me wide open.

Toward the latter half of the year I traveled to Raleigh, North Carolina to visit my b.f.f. and her family. I call this my "healing period." My "Eat, Pray, Love" moment, if you will. I was so wound up from months of no sleep and pure emotional exhaustion. It took me the entire six days to wind down. On day one, I remember driving through the back streets with my b.f.f. behind the wheel and crying. I don't mean just crying. I was bawling. Here was months of pain erupting from within. I was embarrassed but also knew that this woman sitting next to me understood me and knew that I was grieving and letting go. She and her husband helped me spiritually to find my center again. The word gratitude cannot explain how much I appreciated that they opened their home to me, gave me so much love (along with their children) and helped me see more than just myself. It was also during this trip that I responded to the latest accusatory e-mail that I had received three weeks prior from the "best friend." I was ready to say my final goodbye and let go of all the drama that had slowly worked its way into my life.

Since returning from Raleigh, life has been much calmer. Yes, there have been bumps in the road along the way but I am handling them with much more grace. I had the sheer pleasure of spending the last few weeks of 2009 with the family I love so much and friends that I adore. It gave me renewed hope for 2010, a year that I'm certain will be filled with plenty of smiles and a lot of faith that was so difficult to find in '09.

2010... I welcome you with open arms. I love you already.