The Woman in Me

Who am I really?  That's the question that digs deep into my soul on a daily basis.  Why do I exist in this big world?

In packing it in and moving back into my parents' house over a year ago, I was forced to eliminate 30% of my possessions and store the remaining 70%, divvied up between my old bedroom and the garage.  I haven't been able to sleep in my own bed or use my own dresser since then.  All I have are my clothes, my computer and a few other small items.  As the months have passed and I've continued to work on myself on the inside, I've been learning how not to associate myself, my inner being, with material things.  "Things" are what tend to define us as a society.  We are so focused on our cell phones, computers, TVs, iPods, clothes, cars and sadly, our profiles on social networking sites, that we forget what matters most - nurturing our souls.  I made a conscious decision to separate myself from as many of the above intruders as I possibly could.  I call them intruders because they "intrude" on our lives by providing us something external to focus on rather than to look ourselves in the mirror and face our own imperfections.  I mean really, who wants to face their demons?  The social networking sites like Facebook impede on our intimate relationships with a false sense of communication.  We accumulate these foreign objects over time as our badge of honor.  These "things" represent who we are by reflecting a false image to others of the type of person we are.  But are “we” really that person that we’ve created?

For me, the "separation process” began over two years ago after reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose."  I hadn't yet made the decision to move out of the fast-paced city of Los Angeles, where I became sort of a wild child in comparison to my past.  I knew that the girl I was when I moved down to LA no longer existed.  I understood that I was changing, slowly peeling the layers off to uncover the true me.  I read self-help books, listened to "A New Earth" podcasts in order to speed up this process of discovery and I talked to my friends openly about the changes I felt taking place.  What I quickly discovered is that I was going through this all alone.  My "friends" couldn't understand this major evolution I was enduring.  This wasn't an experience to be shared with others because they couldn't help me to define the real me.  What they knew was the girl on the outside, the one I showed to them over time with my clothes, musical tastes, the company I kept and the places I liked to go.  In realizing how little they actually knew about me, it pushed me harder to get to know myself.  How could these people know the real me and love me if I didn't know myself?   

What I discovered is that as I was changing.  My view of these people I called "friends" was also changing.  I didn’t want to be around people who represented this facade of a life I was living.  I could no longer see myself spending my time with people who weren't also on a spiritual journey and wanting to grow, rather than staying in the same place emotionally for the next 20 years.  This wasn't an overnight process.  I didn't wake up one day and say to myself, "Hey, I think today's the day you're going to find the true you and leave all your friends behind."  No, that’s not the way it works.  This is a journey I'm still taking and hope to always remain on.  Unfortunately, my "friends" haven't been as understanding as I'd hoped.  Instead, many of them have taken it personally.  I've tried my best to handle it with grace but in the end, they just couldn't grasp where I was coming from and have decided it wasn't worth it to keep me in their lives at all if the relationship couldn't remain the same.

Coming back home, I've eliminated items such as clothes that either didn't fit or were out of style, books, CDs, old bank and credit card statements, and other "junk," which in turn, has led me to the non-material things like old emails that I was saving in my inbox, along with other documents on my computer that had no real value or meaning and didn't need to be held onto.

I've done my best to be less dependent upon the computer or phone to communicate with loved ones.  Of course, sometimes it's the only way to reach out to the ones you love who live far away.  But I don't want to be a slave to technology anymore.  I want to live in the moment, focus on the people that are standing right in front of me and giving me the love in return that I know I deserve.  I'm less interested in allowing Facebook to consume hours of my time with updating my status and playing virtual games.  I do still send the occasional message or write on a friend's wall to say hello and let them know I'm thinking about them but I don't use this as my main form of communication.

And speaking of technology, have you noticed how much "crap" is on television these days?  My shows have dwindled down to a handful as I've grown further and further away from the uselessness of "reality" TV, which is really not "reality" after all.  People believe this stuff is real life.  While the contestants are real people from all walks of life, they do have a script to follow that guides them in the direction that producers want a show to go in.  This is NOT reality people!  The quality of programming currently on TV is so bad that I can't bring myself to watch, save for a few shows I've been watching for years like Desperate Housewives or The Oprah Winfrey Show.  Even those shows have lost my attention with their lack of interesting topics.  What the average person doesn’t understand is that television shows are not made for the simple fact that the audience might enjoy them.  The reason producers strive for their show to be a hit is so they can sell advertising time and make a buck.  It doesn't matter if the show is of good quality or not.  It just matters that it's entertaining to the masses so the masses will watch.  Well, I don’t want to be a part of the masses anymore, not that anyone thought that I ever really did.

Life changes.  We change.  We grow up.  At least I hope we do.  We came into this world in a natural state of happiness.  As life happens and we begin to identify ourselves with material things, our physical bodies and labels such as nationality, gender or our roles in life, we become weighted down and lose our sense of true self.  We forget who we are as the chaos of life takes over.  In order to find that happiness again, we must get back to our natural state by releasing the labels and becoming more of who we were born to be. 

I'm uncertain if this metamorphosis I'm going through is due to age or simply a want for something more meaningful in my life.  Those who know me know that I'm not your average person.  I never have been.  I feel "stuck" when I'm in one place too long, like I'm not learning anything new.  I have that itch to travel again, to explore and see new places or even ones I've already been to.  I just want to go!  Recently it was suggested to me that I become an intern for an Asian spin-off of a major network television show.  Ironically, it’s a reality show.  Why would I do that when I've already graduated college and should be in the midst of my career?  The more I think about it, the more I want to take this adventure and run with it.  I've always wanted to see Malaysia, the filming location.  I would have easy access to Jakarta and Bali, Indonesia, Singapore and Phuket, Thailand.  This is the opportunity of a lifetime so I'm in research mode as I write this.  I'd love to explore the unknown and publish a book about my personal experiences.  If the reality show doesn’t work out, I’ll be heading to San Juan, Puerto Rico to hang out on the beach for a week with my best friend.  Why not?

This is my life - the adventures of a young woman with the need to live.  I don't want to be a spectator watching life as it passes me by.  There is no better time than now to find the Woman in Me.