The Woman in Me

Who am I really?  That's the question that digs deep into my soul on a daily basis.  Why do I exist in this big world?

In packing it in and moving back into my parents' house over a year ago, I was forced to eliminate 30% of my possessions and store the remaining 70%, divvied up between my old bedroom and the garage.  I haven't been able to sleep in my own bed or use my own dresser since then.  All I have are my clothes, my computer and a few other small items.  As the months have passed and I've continued to work on myself on the inside, I've been learning how not to associate myself, my inner being, with material things.  "Things" are what tend to define us as a society.  We are so focused on our cell phones, computers, TVs, iPods, clothes, cars and sadly, our profiles on social networking sites, that we forget what matters most - nurturing our souls.  I made a conscious decision to separate myself from as many of the above intruders as I possibly could.  I call them intruders because they "intrude" on our lives by providing us something external to focus on rather than to look ourselves in the mirror and face our own imperfections.  I mean really, who wants to face their demons?  The social networking sites like Facebook impede on our intimate relationships with a false sense of communication.  We accumulate these foreign objects over time as our badge of honor.  These "things" represent who we are by reflecting a false image to others of the type of person we are.  But are “we” really that person that we’ve created?

For me, the "separation process” began over two years ago after reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose."  I hadn't yet made the decision to move out of the fast-paced city of Los Angeles, where I became sort of a wild child in comparison to my past.  I knew that the girl I was when I moved down to LA no longer existed.  I understood that I was changing, slowly peeling the layers off to uncover the true me.  I read self-help books, listened to "A New Earth" podcasts in order to speed up this process of discovery and I talked to my friends openly about the changes I felt taking place.  What I quickly discovered is that I was going through this all alone.  My "friends" couldn't understand this major evolution I was enduring.  This wasn't an experience to be shared with others because they couldn't help me to define the real me.  What they knew was the girl on the outside, the one I showed to them over time with my clothes, musical tastes, the company I kept and the places I liked to go.  In realizing how little they actually knew about me, it pushed me harder to get to know myself.  How could these people know the real me and love me if I didn't know myself?   

What I discovered is that as I was changing.  My view of these people I called "friends" was also changing.  I didn’t want to be around people who represented this facade of a life I was living.  I could no longer see myself spending my time with people who weren't also on a spiritual journey and wanting to grow, rather than staying in the same place emotionally for the next 20 years.  This wasn't an overnight process.  I didn't wake up one day and say to myself, "Hey, I think today's the day you're going to find the true you and leave all your friends behind."  No, that’s not the way it works.  This is a journey I'm still taking and hope to always remain on.  Unfortunately, my "friends" haven't been as understanding as I'd hoped.  Instead, many of them have taken it personally.  I've tried my best to handle it with grace but in the end, they just couldn't grasp where I was coming from and have decided it wasn't worth it to keep me in their lives at all if the relationship couldn't remain the same.

Coming back home, I've eliminated items such as clothes that either didn't fit or were out of style, books, CDs, old bank and credit card statements, and other "junk," which in turn, has led me to the non-material things like old emails that I was saving in my inbox, along with other documents on my computer that had no real value or meaning and didn't need to be held onto.

I've done my best to be less dependent upon the computer or phone to communicate with loved ones.  Of course, sometimes it's the only way to reach out to the ones you love who live far away.  But I don't want to be a slave to technology anymore.  I want to live in the moment, focus on the people that are standing right in front of me and giving me the love in return that I know I deserve.  I'm less interested in allowing Facebook to consume hours of my time with updating my status and playing virtual games.  I do still send the occasional message or write on a friend's wall to say hello and let them know I'm thinking about them but I don't use this as my main form of communication.

And speaking of technology, have you noticed how much "crap" is on television these days?  My shows have dwindled down to a handful as I've grown further and further away from the uselessness of "reality" TV, which is really not "reality" after all.  People believe this stuff is real life.  While the contestants are real people from all walks of life, they do have a script to follow that guides them in the direction that producers want a show to go in.  This is NOT reality people!  The quality of programming currently on TV is so bad that I can't bring myself to watch, save for a few shows I've been watching for years like Desperate Housewives or The Oprah Winfrey Show.  Even those shows have lost my attention with their lack of interesting topics.  What the average person doesn’t understand is that television shows are not made for the simple fact that the audience might enjoy them.  The reason producers strive for their show to be a hit is so they can sell advertising time and make a buck.  It doesn't matter if the show is of good quality or not.  It just matters that it's entertaining to the masses so the masses will watch.  Well, I don’t want to be a part of the masses anymore, not that anyone thought that I ever really did.

Life changes.  We change.  We grow up.  At least I hope we do.  We came into this world in a natural state of happiness.  As life happens and we begin to identify ourselves with material things, our physical bodies and labels such as nationality, gender or our roles in life, we become weighted down and lose our sense of true self.  We forget who we are as the chaos of life takes over.  In order to find that happiness again, we must get back to our natural state by releasing the labels and becoming more of who we were born to be. 

I'm uncertain if this metamorphosis I'm going through is due to age or simply a want for something more meaningful in my life.  Those who know me know that I'm not your average person.  I never have been.  I feel "stuck" when I'm in one place too long, like I'm not learning anything new.  I have that itch to travel again, to explore and see new places or even ones I've already been to.  I just want to go!  Recently it was suggested to me that I become an intern for an Asian spin-off of a major network television show.  Ironically, it’s a reality show.  Why would I do that when I've already graduated college and should be in the midst of my career?  The more I think about it, the more I want to take this adventure and run with it.  I've always wanted to see Malaysia, the filming location.  I would have easy access to Jakarta and Bali, Indonesia, Singapore and Phuket, Thailand.  This is the opportunity of a lifetime so I'm in research mode as I write this.  I'd love to explore the unknown and publish a book about my personal experiences.  If the reality show doesn’t work out, I’ll be heading to San Juan, Puerto Rico to hang out on the beach for a week with my best friend.  Why not?

This is my life - the adventures of a young woman with the need to live.  I don't want to be a spectator watching life as it passes me by.  There is no better time than now to find the Woman in Me.

How I lost 23 lbs I didn't know I had to lose...

In the last six months, I've been questioned from every angle as to how I've lost 23 pounds I hadn't even realized I'd gained until I really began looking at it from a health aspect.

For those that have been asking how I lost all the weight, I'm ready to tell all.  But before I do, here's a little insight into how I gained it in the first place.  If you don't know how you got there, you'll never know how to keep it off in the future.

It was October of 2007, following the break up an almost two-year relationship when I found myself nauseous for 10 days straight.  For several months I'd been unhappy.  I'd been downright depressed.  I'd been eating ice cream (a poor choice not just because it's fattening but also because I'm lactose intolerant) and chocolate candy, and blending the two: chocolate ice cream.  I was going out with my friends to the bar and drinking excessively.  Throughout the summer, in order to cope, I spent weekends at my apartment complex pool with my friends drinking margaritas and daiquiris and eating unhealthy finger foods.  This lousy behavior lead to my rock bottom.

I could barely get out of bed because the room wouldn't stop spinning.  I've always been that girl who has nausea so when it first started I didn't think anything of it.  But as the days went by and the nausea grew worse, to the point that I couldn't function, I knew something was very wrong.  I did everything I'd ever been taught in order to alleviate my symptoms.  I drank Sprite, ate saltine crackers, slept a lot, continued exercising and trying to eat a fairly healthy diet and I even got anti-nausea medication in the form of syrup from the pharmacy but nothing seemed to work.  I went to two different urgent care centers but none of the diagnoses seemed to fit me and the solutions didn't change a thing.  I had been in LA for a year and a half and still hadn't found myself a primary care physician.  The day my nausea got so bad, I called my friend sobbing and asked her to go to yet another urgent care with me to find out what was wrong because I couldn't stand it any longer.

When I was finished with work that day, off we went, traipsing from Santa Monica to Marina del Rey in the midst of rush hour traffic.  The moment I walked into the urgent care offices, I already felt relief.  The nurse started by running down a list of probing questions to which I responded matter-of-factly.  The final question: Could you be pregnant?  "Umm, NO!"  I told the nurse, "I've had my period.  I can't be pregnant," to which she immediately responded, "Just because you've had your period doesn't mean you can't be pregnant."  HELLO!  Where the hell have I been over the last 30 years of life?  Did I miss sex ed?  Apparently so.  At this point, I immediately flipped out.  I could not, would not be pregnant with his baby.  She handed me a cup and told me to pee in it so she could be certain I wasn't pregnant.

I was so scared.  I anxiously peed in the cup and handed it to the nurse.  Thank God she did the test right away and it was only a matter of minutes before I officially knew I was NOT pregnant.  Thank you dear Lord for that lesson learned.  You see, my relationship had ended poorly.  The guy had cheated on me and done some other horrible things so this is clearly someone I did not want to parent a child with under any circumstances.

The doctor came into the room and introduced himself.  He was not much older than me which made me uncomfortable, yet at the same time I knew I was in capable hands, someone who was up on the latest medical technology and treatments.  We talked about the possibility of pregnancy, what my lifestyle was like and how I got to this particular place.  He said it sounded like acid reflux but he wanted to run a full gamut of tests to be sure.  I also asked him, just to be on the safe side and rule out all possibilities, to test me for all STDs.  Scared as I was, I wanted to be certain that I didn't leave that relationship with a gift from my ex.

In the midst of our conversation and the doctor's questions, I filled him in on the relationship.  I was sitting in this exam room with a doctor whom I'd just met ten minutes before, with my friend, crying.  The doctor told me, "Don't cry.  Look at you, sitting in urgent care, wearing a West Coast Choppers sweatshirt, crying."  He certainly got a laugh out of me.  If you've been living on another planet and don't know, West Coast Choppers is a motorcycle manufacturer based in Long Beach, California which is owned by Sandra Bullock's husband, Jesse James, the host of the Discovery Channel's hit show "Monster Garage."  It's fair to say that it's an oxymoron to be crying in this "tough girl" sweatshirt.  I loved that this doctor had a sense of humor and knew how to make his patients laugh in a serious and tear-filled moment.  In that moment I knew I'd found my new primary doc.

That week the doctor sent me for blood and urine tests to determine the root of cause for my sickness.  All tests came back negative which was a welcomed relief.  All of the results for blood glucose, cholesterol, triglycerides, etc., came back normal so I was basically in a normal state of health except for this nausea.  The doctor determined that I had acid reflux and the beginnings of an ulcer (thanks to all the Advil I'd been taking along with the Lactaid pills consumed with the ice cream) and he prescribed me the medication Omeprazole (generic for Prilosec) and also urged me to immediately move to a bland diet.  That meant no more alcohol, salt, acidic foods like tomatoes (I'm Italian.  What am I going to do without sauce?), no coffee or chocolate (caffeine is a huge trigger of acid reflux) and no more carbonated drinks because the bubbles only increase the acid in my stomach.  My doctor also suggested going to Whole Foods and checking out its selection of natural remedies for acid reflux.  He was the type of physician who preferred to fight illness with food, herbs and vitamins.  I knew we'd get along.

So here I was depressed, sick beyond belief and feeling very alone.  I drove straight to Longs to get my prescription and picked up a Sees chocolate candy bar with almonds at the register.  I'd be taking my medicine and saying my final farewell to chocolate.
As the weeks wore on with no coffee or chocolate and with my new best friend: my medication, the acid reflux was beginning to get under control.  Once in a while I'd have a slip up and grab a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup or a cup of coffee but I tried my best to avoid the foods the doc recommended against.  I started noticing my weight gain when I'd look at photos of myself and I was definitely not happy with the way I looked. I wasn't weighing myself so I didn't know for sure but the spare tire around my waist, which was visible to anybody with eyes, was a huge clue.  I'd go back home to visit my family and the photos would haunt me and taunt me, telling me how "fat" I'd become.  I'm not trying to offend anyone by using the word "fat" but for me, a petite 5'3", this was fat.  My unhealthy lifestyle and weight gain was definitely a factor in my move back to San Jose but I didn't comprehend that until I was home for at least six months and able to fully absorb the effects of LA on my body, mind and spirit.
As I acclimated back into a suburban lifestyle, I began changing my ways.  At the same time I was going through my own metamorphosis, a new television show started airing, one I'd been waiting for for over a year: The Doctor Oz Show.  I'd watched him on Oprah since his first appearance and slowly picked up many of his suggestions but I never fully incorporated them into my life - until now.  Some people think I'm crazy for taking the advice of a man on TV but Dr. Oz is not just any man.  He is a real life heart surgeon who heads up the cardiovascular surgery department at New York-Presbyterian Hospital in New York City.  He is a well-rounded physician and knows exactly what he's talking about when it comes to anything regarding the human body.  So with his medical advice, I began changing my life.
These are the changes I made:

1. I began taking probiotics (Good Belly, the probiotic drink I take, contains a live active culture like most yogurts except Good Belly is dairy-free).  These good bacteria help aid your body in digestion by attacking the bad bacteria in your system which in turn, helps in strengthening the immune system.  Probiotics can also be taken in pill form but pills do not contain the live culture so it's not as beneficial.  Click on the link for more info on Good Belly.
2. I eat less meat (beef and chicken) and more fish including salmon, cod, catfish and roughy.
3. I eat more tofu and vegetarian meals.  I am not, by any means, a vegetarian or suggest that you become one.  But I do know that going back to a basic diet of non-processed/packaged foods is the best thing we can do for our bodies so I try my best to limit my meat intake.
4. I cut out white foods including white bread, flour, etc.  (I do cheat sometimes but I don't make it a habit of eating these types of foods).  I replaced white stuff with whole grains and oats.
5. I cut out sugars including sports drinks, juices, soda and candy (except on occasion).
6. I exercise 5-7 days per week (running 3 miles a day) and weights, crunches, lunges a few times a week.
7. I eat breakfast everyday (never skip breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day) which includes a bowl of Cheerios or oatmeal and a smoothie made of frozen berries (dark berries loaded with antioxidants like blueberries, blackberries and raspberries - you can find a large bag in the frozen food section at Costco), 1/2 banana, soy milk, and 1 scoop of ground flax seed (for extra fiber and Omega 3) plus I take a multi-vitamin, calcium citrate with Vitamin D and magnesium, and fish oil (pill form, also with Omega 3).
8. Snacks throughout the day that consist of fruits and vegetables, a handful of nuts or pretzels, or granola.  
9. No more alcohol except for the occasional glass of wine or a wine-filled night.  Even then, I only drink red wine because there's too much sugar in white.

I'm not going to lie and say that I don't cheat now and again.  It's OK to have a handful of chocolate once in a while or that piece of cake at your birthday party but if you don't do it everyday, chances are it won't affect you too terribly.  It's like anything else - moderation.  I do drink coffee again - one cup a day.  While caffeine causes acid in the stomach, I now have my acid reflux under control and the caffeine doesn't affect me the way that it used it.  And oh by the way, I quit taking my medication about six months ago!  I didn't want to be a slave to medicine for the rest of my life so through changing the things I had control over such as food, sleep, exercise, etc., I have been able to manage my own health and the results have been amazing.  In the process, the pounds have melted away, sometimes without even trying.

Before I say goodbye, I'd like to share with you some before and after and transition photos.  Living a healthy lifestyle really does work and here are the pictures to prove it.
Happy Living!

Before
4/2008

5/2008

12/2008

1/2009

Transition
6/2009

After
9/2009