Unexpected Changes

This year has to be one of the strangest for me regarding friendships and loved ones.  Every time I think, "Well that's one more friend gone that I didn't really need anyway," I experience something even more bizarre.

It started with a huge fall out with my sister and things slowly rolled downhill from there.  I am learning the hard way that I cannot control what others think about me or even what others are saying about me.  If someone in my life decides to be dishonest with our family and friends because they fear being looked down upon for the facts, again, this is something I cannot control.  The way I know who is a genuine friend or loved one is if they come to me for the truth.  Unfortunately, I have discovered that many have not.  They prefer to be swept up in the untruths and drama of another person.  So what I am left to do is move on - move forward from the entire ordeal.

The next thing that caught me off guard was someone I have known since high school, whom I thought was a "best" friend, whatever that means anymore.  We'd been on several trips together, never particularly argued or disagreed about much, had tons in common yet lived different lives, and I really thought it was a friendship that would last.  I was blessed with winning a trip to Las Vegas, NV, for a musical festival last year so I asked this friend to go with me, thinking she'd be the perfect partner in crime - and my crime I mean, someone who'd pass out at 10:00PM in Las Vegas instead of partying the night away at the local clubs.  The last day of our trip we were hanging out in our room talking until we were to go get our massages at the hotel spa.  I told her about an incident that had occurred a couple of years before that followed the demise of my relationship with my sister.  She was thoroughly offended by something that someone else had said and we ended up in a huge argument.  I tried to convince her to agree to disagree but she kept pushing and insisting that myself and the other person we wrong in our thinking.  She just wouldn't give up.  Finally, after some silence, she finally agreed to let it go.  Clearly, she wasn't being honest with me (or herself) because shortly after we returned from the trip I could feel her pulling away.  She never even tried to discuss it with me.  A couple of months later it was my birthday and she "couldn't" make it for my brunch.  She and her husband sold their home and moved a few towns over and I've never heard from her again.

Onto incident number three.  Out of the blue I received a text message from a friend I hadn't seen in years.  He was a guitar player & keyboardist in a band I used to do publicity for and manage.  We were extremely close at one point, even having lived together (the whole band) for several months in Austin, TX.  When the text came through, I was surprised to see that he was in town on tour with another singer and he invited me to the show that evening.  I saw that of course I would love to see him after all these years and asked if I would get to spend some time with him as well.  He told me that we'd see each other but that it had to be "our secret" because he had a very jealous girlfriend who would never approve.  I've never understood people allowing someone else to dictate what they can do in their life but to ask me to participate in your dishonesty?  To me, that is NOT acceptable.  I don't want to be a part of someone else's cover up.

Needless to say, I saw the show and met up with him as soon as it was over.  He told security that I was family, allowed to be there, and brought us back stage to introduce us to the rest of the band.  We spent a couple of hours with him, walking to the hotel bar and having a drink, chatting and taking some photos.  We then said our goodbyes, knowing I probably wouldn't being seeing him again.

The next morning I e-mailed him all the photos I had taken of him at the show and two videos so he would have these wonderful memories of himself on tour with a Latin pop star.  He immediately called me and told me not to post them onto my Facebook page.  I thought that was strange.  I told him I'd post them but I wouldn't tag him to which he freaked out saying that eventually his girlfriend would find out.  Here we go again.... I just can't grasp dishonesty and then trying to remember all the lies you've told or the truths you've withheld and from which people.  Truth is always the best policy. I gave in, agreeing to not post anything.  How disappointing to have your hands tied by someone who is supposed to be your friend because they can't be honest in their own life!  Worse yet is that there's NOTHING to hide in this situation!

Today I sit here, having experienced so much loss in my life yet also knowing that those I'm close to, those few people I can truly call friends or family, are the most special people who have given me so much support.  I am blessed to the moon and beyond!

I'm in the process of planning a move to the other side of the country with my parents.  I can't wait to have a fresh start in a place where I know there are people like me.

Kenny Lipska... A Soul Lost Too Soon

I received the news yesterday that one of my closest friends from high school was on life support after being diagnosed with spinal meningitis.  It all happened so quickly and now he's laying in a hospital bed on life support waiting to be sent home to God.

Kenny and I became friends through my high school sweetheart and we quickly forged a bond.  His family lived on the same street as so many of the kids we went to school with and he had tons of friends.  All the girls liked him.  He was cute and sweet and funny and kind... and so much more.  He was my friend.

On summer nights we would all sit out in the street listening to music, telling stories, laughing and talking.  When I was sad, Kenny would put his arm around me and let me cry on his shoulder.  When I was happy, he would laugh with me.  When I just needed a friend, he would wrap his arms around me and hold me.

I have so many fond memories of him that I hold dear to my heart.  One summer night, we were all hanging out with his family on his front lawn.  They were a close-knit, religious bunch (he has two sisters).  We were laying down on the lawn cuddled up in a blanket, looking up at the stars.  I never used to show affection like that but he made me comfortable.  He loved me for me.

Kenny is the (only) reason I fell in love with country music.  He and his neighbor Matt got me listening to, don't laugh... Billy Ray Cyrus.  I never would have imagined myself listening to anything with a twang.  If it weren't for Kenny playing "Achy Breaky Heart" I might not have ever opened my heart and mind to country.

On summer days, the gang would all drive out to the local reservoir and the boys would go on the rope swings.  They would climb down the steep hill, grab the ropes hanging from the trees and literally hoist themselves up and into the water.  My best friend Renee and I never did.  I had an immense fear of the dirty green water but we would sit back and watch the boys.  Kenny loved the rope swings.

I haven't spoken to Kenny since high school though I did look for him on Facebook a couple of years ago with no results.  Last summer I connected with an old friend (who was one of the gang that would hang out on that street together) and he is the person who shared this devastating news with me.  I feel sad that I missed out on the last years of Kenny's life.  I'm told that he was very happily married with two beautiful boys.  I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he is gone.  I am beyond devastated that this wonderful friend and good-hearted man has passed away so early in life.  He will be missed by so many.  I can't even begin to imagine how much this has rocked his family's world.  Words cannot express the devastation.

Kenny Lipska, may you rest in peace.  God bless you and your entire family.

*If you have any memories to share about Kenny feel free to respond with a comment.

***Afterthought:  Feeling sad, I just took a drive through the old neighborhood and relived many of the memories.  As I was turning onto the street, Lady Antebellum's song, "Need You Now" came on the radio.   How ironic that a country song would play at the exact moment I was driving on Kenny's old street (I was not listening to country radio).  So sad.

What is a friend?

Is it someone who laughs with you when all you can do is laugh at yourself?  Is a friend someone who loves you unconditionally?  Is it someone who has been there since the beginning?  Does a friend remember your birthday or some other major event in your life?  Does he/she know your favorite color or food?  Does a friend go to the movies or a concert with you?  Does he/she call you just to say hi?  Does a friend, even if they don’t call you back right away, eventually call you back?

The word “friend” is often used too lightly in describing someone in our lives that should otherwise be ascribed acquaintance or someone who randomly pops in and out of our lives.  Friends are there for a reason or a season, right?  That statement begs the question: are you really my friend?

In my book, a friend is a person that knows me (or is trying to get to know me) without barriers.  She (or he) knows the real me, the girl that’s willing to let down her guard and be vulnerable.  But what makes a person deserving of that?  That person should be honest, genuine, trustworthy and loyal.  Handle yourself with the utmost authenticity.  Be honest about what you are looking for in a friend and if you cannot put effort into a friendship, don’t expect it in return. 

Over the years I have discovered that in order to have a friend, you have to be a friend.  Last year I was blessed to have a very special friend unexpectedly return to my life.  In my early 20s while I was attending community college, as I was soul-searching for the woman I wanted to become (sometimes in the wrong places), I met a girl named Melissa, who had ironically gone to the same high school as I did and inadvertently had many of the same friends.  It was the first day of some kind of science class (I think astronomy) that neither of us cared to be in.  I was the nerd sitting in the front of the lecture hall while she was the ever rebellious girl sitting as far back as she could in order to avoid calling any attention from the instructor.  She recognized me from school and began asking me questions.  Little did we know in that moment that we would eventually become the best of friends.  This girl was just like me – outspoken, witty, somewhat jaded, lost on the path of education and grasping at strings to hold on.  She asked if we could carpool together since we both lived with our parents who still lived near our old school.  Sure, why not, I thought.  Who knew that an hour in the car each day could develop into such an intense friendship?

Over the years we would do everything together. We laughed harder than I’ve ever laughed before.  Sometimes we had no idea why we were even laughing but it was a quality in a friendship that I cherished because it was the laughter that wiped away the sadness I was enduring at that time.  We traveled together, shared our love stories, had family dinners, rode on a glider together (boy was THAT an experience!), went to bars/clubs and restaurants, hung out with my niece and nephew, had booming parties at her first apartment, experienced our first (and only) ho-down in Hollister, and felt the pride at finally receiving our associate’s and bachelor’s degrees together.  Melissa was there with me through an abusive relationship (she helped me to let go and say goodbye).  She was there when the love of my life came to California to visit after years of a developing friendship and she held my hand when I had to say goodbye.  She was by my side when he broke my heart just a few weeks later.  She saw me through depression from all of the above situations.

In return, I was by her side during her difficult relationship and through her personal, emotional battle with childhood demons.  I stood by as she endured the difficult task of trying to get on the local police force.  I was there when her dream was shattered.  We picked each other up when no one else could.

Oddly enough, I was about to introduce Melissa to my dear friend Raul whom I had been telling her about for the last year.  He was the least judgmental and most loving person I had known, wise beyond his years (he was 28).  We were visiting her then-boyfriend at his work when we decided we’d stop by Raul’s house, which I used to do often.  Melissa insisted I call him before going over.  I didn’t understand.  I always just showed up.  So I called…

The phone rang, and rang.  A woman picked up.  I asked for Raul.  She said, “Raul se falleció.”  I didn’t understand.  “Is he OK?” I asked.  “No,” she said.  “He’s dead.”  I couldn’t speak.  I had no idea what to say.  What do you say to a mother who has just told you that her son (your best friend) has died?  His sister got on the phone as I was falling to the ground.  I don’t remember all that was said in the next moments.  Somehow Melissa got me to the hospital where he was being kept alive on life support until his family was ready to make the decision to let him go.  Raul had a brain aneurism which burst in the middle of the night while he was playing music.  He died doing the thing he loved most, an event he had predicted to me a few years earlier.  Melissa was there with me at Raul’s bedside, when I had no idea how to cope.  She watched me as I looked at his lifeless body, swollen face and shaved head.  She was there.  She took me to his memorial service, held my hand and cried with me.  She didn’t even know this person but as an extension of me, she loved him anyway.

Following graduation, we did some more traveling, both to Los Angeles and Puerto Rico.  We played hard in those years but eventually it started to take its toll on both of us.  Neither of us were following our dreams.  Well, we were both trying but somehow it wasn’t in God’s plan for us at the time.  We both began to self-destruct, an event that finally destroyed our friendship.  We were both guilty but neither of us willing to budge.  We stopped talking.  Completely.  We’d see each other in the mall parking lot and pretend like the other didn’t exist.  What an example of our immaturity!

Full Circle

Last summer, as I was happily living my life in Santa Monica, I turned out my laptop and opened Outlook as I so often do.  There it was.  An e-mail notification from LinkedIn that read, “Join my LinkedIn Network.”  It was from Melissa.  I was in shock.  I had no idea how much I missed her until that exact moment.  Without sharing the contents of the message I will tell you that she acknowledged her part in the demise of our friendship and apologized for her behavior.  I was totally blown away.  That’s how you know a person in genuinely sorry for something they have done: they take responsibility!  She did and I was so excited.  She’d obviously grown up as had I.  That was all it took and our friendship was right back on track where we had left it (without all the negativity).  For the record, in case you’re wondering, I apologized to her as well and acknowledge my shitty behavior which led to our abrupt goodbye.

Today is a new day.  I tell Melissa all the time how grateful I am to have her back in my life.  I feel totally blessed to share a friendship with a woman who gets me.  She understands who I am as a person and perpetuates all that I am.  This is the definition of a friend.  One who sees you through the ups and downs of life, who doesn’t hold expectations, can listen without judging, be there to lend a hand or an ear, be honest with their opinion and always express their gratitude.  I am eternally grateful to have my best friend back in my life and I never let an opportunity pass me by to tell her how much I love her and cherish our friendship.