Miss You Already

Finding out through social media that someone is speaking badly of you is sad. Such passive-agressive behavior. Maybe it's time to shut Facebook down as it's becoming a place for people to make snap judgements about someone else's life when you have no idea what someone else's experience is. I am finding my circle is becoming smaller & smaller. I suppose that's a good thing. 

On that note... movie recommendation: "Miss You Already" starts out strange but ends up being a heartwarming yet sad story. Makes you realize that there are some people you just can't live without. Please watch it and appreciate those you love.

My Soul Refueled...

I was so excited to see Switchfoot for the 4th time, this time at the Regency Ballroom in San Francisco.  I had purchased the VIP experience so I'd be able to do the meet & greet but the day of the show I received an email stating it would take place at 4:30pm, prior to the show, right after soundcheck.  The last time I had done a meet & greet with these boys it was after the show so when I purchased passes, I excepted it to be the same process.  Needless to say, I was extremely disappointed that I had to request a refund because there would be no way my friend and I could make it to the city before 6pm.

Lucky for me, after an amazing show, we waited by the back entrance to the venue and Drew Shirley came out.  We chatted for a couple of minutes & I took this awesome photo with him.  A moment I will treasure always.

Puerto Rico Awaits...

Less than two months and I'll be back on la isla del encanto.  I can't believe it's been almost 10 years!  Soon we'll be sitting right here on this very beach... in this guesthouse eating this delicious Puerto Rican food.

Let the countdown begin!!!!

We All Need Love

I see many people I know and love going through difficult times, questioning their place in life and past choices, feeling a sense of lacking something and posting negative stuff.  I, for one, understand and have done so myself. When you go through depression you so quickly find out who your true friends are - who is standing with you on the other side and who loves you for all of your flaws.  Please be kind to those you see going through something you might not necessarily understand.  We all need love.

Update on Robi Draco Rosa

Just got the latest update from the Latino Loop newsletter.  Looks like Robi is going to have a bone marrow transplant.  Sending him all my love and positive energy that this heals him.  He is such a kind and gentle soul.

Please include him and his family in your prayers and send positive vibes his way.

We love you, Robi!!!!

Muzikgirl

When Life Changes You

I was working at a semiconductor company in the Bay Area when I was contacted by a recruiter for another high-tech company.  After several rounds of interviews I received an official offer letter that left me feeling as if there was potential growth within the company so I couldn't pass it up.  I started within the week.  Little did I know the real reason I would find myself at this new job had nothing to do with my career path.

I'd spent my entire life dating Hispanic men.  I’m full-blooded Italian and didn’t know much about dating other cultures.  I had no idea that my life was about to change so drastically.

I was at a peaceful place in my life.  I had worked through so much of my past that I could honestly say I had no hang-ups on any former boyfriends.  I've always used one relationship to get over another so it was a first for me to find myself not pining away for someone.

I remember the day I met him.  I was introduced to him along with so many others that I didn't remember his name.  He was Asian, a culture I didn't have much experience with (certainly not in the relationship department), one I’d never had an attraction to other than the food.  I’d see him walking through the hallway or from across the building and he would always very eagerly say hello to me.  I eventually pointed him out to a coworker to find out his name.

My first real communication with him happened while that same coworker and I were working on a team building event.  We were compiling team rosters by having each person draw numbers from a bag and placing their name next to randomly written numbers to form the teams.  As he was drawing his number he asked if I was going to the event.  I had recently re-injured my tailbone over the weekend when my nephew jokingly pulled a chair from underneath me and I was in such severe pain that I backed out of attendance.  He seemed disappointed.

One day while he was talking to an employee at her cubicle he cut her off to ask me what I had done over the weekend.  I could tell this guy was attracted to me but I was only interested in being friends.  That same day on the walk to my car in the parking garage, he came speeding around the corner in his fancy sports car and stopped abruptly when he saw me.  We chatted and he asked me to go to lunch sometime.  I brushed him off by agreeing but not really intending to follow up and then waved goodbye.

I don't know what got into me the next morning but I shot off an email asking him if he'd like to go to lunch that day. He replied yes almost instantly.  I usually ate at noon but he was in a meeting that was running late so he messaged me a little after 1:00pm that he was ready to go. I was starving!

We met at the elevators and walked to the garage together.  I don't know why I was so nervous since I wasn't interested in him but I felt shaky and had sweaty palms.  Conversation was easy as the chatter flowed.  We went to an Asian fusion restaurant that we both liked and we ordered a couple of things to share which I had never done with a man before.  Maybe it was because I knew he was attracted to me but I felt like I was on a date.  He even paid for me being the gentleman that he is.  We talked about relationships because that's where he wanted the conversation to go.  He said he was in a three-month relationship but that it wasn't working.  I barely ate my food out of pure nervousness; again not sure as to why I was feeling so scared.  We really seemed to enjoy each other's company.

The next day he invited me to meet up with him for drinks to celebrate a job acceptance of our coworker at another company.  I wasn't invited by the person hosting the party and I didn’t really know anyone so I accepted with trepidation.  I followed him over in my car as I knew I wouldn’t be staying long.  I can still see the looks of shock on our coworkers’ faces as we walked in together.  I ordered a glass of white wine and sat down on a big chair.  He sat next to me and put his arm around me on the back of the chair which made me uncomfortable.  I spent an hour chatting with everyone and then said my goodbyes.  He walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye.  It was the first time we had any physical contact and it was awkward being that I still had no attraction to him.

That night is when his text messaging began.  He sent me messages all weekend which indicated to me that he was thinking of me as much more than a friend.  Sunday evening I finally gave in and agreed to meet him at the mall for coffee.  When I arrived he convinced me to see a movie which was completely out of character for me when I had to work the next day.  I was already starting to change and I didn’t even realize it.

That Thursday a bunch of us decided to meet up for drinks after work.  I went over with a couple of female coworkers.  When we arrived he was already there with some of the guys.  I immediately made my way over to him and sat down next to him feeling anxious.  As usual, I ordered a glass of wine and some food.  I was so nervous I kept knocking things over.  For some reason, everyone was pressuring me to take a shot.  I rarely drink hard liquor and I never take shots so I knew it wouldn’t end well but I accepted the dare.  I could instantly feel the effects on my stomach and my head.  People started to dwindle, leaving me behind with him and two of the guys.  He said he was going home.  I was uncomfortable staying with the others so I jumped up at the same time even though I knew I couldn’t drive yet.  We stepped outside the bar and sat on a bench where I leaned over to catch my breath.  He put his hand in my hair and down my back to comfort me.  We sat for a while and then walked to my car where we sat inside for a long time until I sobered up.  He put his hand on my knee which scared me and excited me at the same time.  I was fighting the chemistry.  Before we left that night, I agreed to meet him for breakfast the next morning because I was calling in sick to work anyway.

Friday morning I awoke a little hung over but excited to have breakfast with this guy I wasn’t yet willing to admit I had an attraction to.  I had never realized how much race was an issue for me until I met him.  Spending so much time with him was bringing up all my issues.  When I was with him all I saw were his Asian eyes but I knew that I liked him and was having a great time with him so I continued on, holding my secret inside.

We met at a restaurant between our homes.  Ironically, he lived only a few miles from me so this spending time together was very convenient.  I pulled into the parking lot and into the space next to him.  He was sitting in his car.  He got out and hugged me hello and we went inside.  As we waited for a table, kids were everywhere screaming.  We looked at each other with a mutual understanding and immediately jumped up to leave.  We took his car and drove to another restaurant he liked to eat breakfast at.  Our time together was so enjoyable.  We didn’t stop laughing.  He decided to call in sick as well so we could go the movies.  This would eventually become a joke with his boss who would tease him that when I would call in sick, so would he.

We found a theater nearby and agreed on a movie we’d both wanted to see.  Throughout the movie he put his hand on my knee or touched my leg or hand.  My heart fluttered.  I didn’t want to admit that I liked it but I did.  It gave me comfort and made me anxious in a good way.  I spent those two hours sitting next to him hoping he wouldn’t take his hand off of me.

After a few weeks of spending four to five nights a week together having dinner and drinks, I realized I was dating this guy.  My friends and family inquired as to who I was spending so much time with.  I could see the curiosity in their eyes as I would say, “Oh, just having drinks with a coworker” or I would flat out lie about who I was with.  My mother was aware that I would sometimes spend time with a coworker.  She asked if I was interested in him and I responded, “Don’t worry Mom.  He’s just a friend.  He’s Asian,” because she knew I only dated Latin men.  One day I was chatting on the phone with my girl friend when she asked me what was going on with him.  When I said we were just friends her response was, “Whatever you say but I can see this is going somewhere.”  I was scared out of my mind that people would find out when I wasn’t even prepared to admit it to myself.

We would see each other in the hallway at work and my heart would start beating really fast.  His face would light up.  He once told me that he was in a meeting in our boss’ office when he heard my voice and became distracted waiting for me to walk by.  I would stop by his cubicle to say hello and chat for a few minutes but I was paranoid that people would suspect something (and be right about their suspicions) so I wouldn’t stay for long.  We were often together outside of work but I still wasn’t letting him get too close to me.  He would occasionally put his arm around me to walk to or from the car.  One time a colleague at another company ran into us at a bar where we were having drinks.  My guy’s arm was around me when we met eyes with the guy.   It was obvious to him that something was happening between us.  Another night when we had gone out for drinks he walked me to my car, slipped his hands into mine and looked at me like he was going to kiss me.  I abruptly pulled away and said, “Don’t!”  I don’t know how or why he stuck around and pursued me but he was so patient with me.  Instead I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a long hug.  He said, “Thank you for that.  It was nice.”

He was insecure about my past relationships with Latin men and regularly made comments about it.  The biggest running joke he came up with was that I “went from George Lopez to Jackie Chan.”  His constant banter about race didn’t help me to get over my own fears; it actually made them worse.   I was still keeping this big secret locked away deep inside and it was beginning to eat away at me.

Finally I was starting to admit to myself that I was carrying a torch for this man who had interrupted my plans and infected my thoughts.  He asked me one day if I had plans to get married or have children.  I had spent so much time convincing myself that I wanted none of that but I didn’t want him to walk away due to my uncertainty so I told him, “If it happens it’ll be OK with me.”  I think I was really trying to convince myself that day.  Little did I know that soon enough I would be imagining a future and a family with this man.  He had such potential to be a great husband and father.  He was patient, kind and loving.  He was generous, smart, funny and a good listener.  He was exceptionally close to his mother and sister which made me like him even more.  He’s successful in his career and carries himself with such confidence at work.  To this day I don’t believe he knows his own potential but I do.

The day I finally allowed him into my heart is one I will never forget.  We planned to have dinner at a nice restaurant at a hotel in a small town a few miles away.  I knew that this was the day our relationship would change, grow into something more.  The food was exceptional but the dinner itself was nothing unusual for us.  When we were finished eating we walked inside the hotel and sat down on a couch in the lobby.  I sat close to him.  I knew exactly what I was doing.  He put his hand on my leg for a moment as we talked.  I touched his leg then pulled away.  I rested my hand on his thigh again but this time I left it there.  I laid my head on his shoulder and he cuddled with me.  I knew the moment was right so I lifted my head to look him in the eye and put my lips on his.  We shared a sweet and tender first kiss.  I liked his lips.  They were full and warm.  He was a good kisser which surprised me.  I don’t know why I had created so many misperceptions about his race but he was defying all of them.

He drove me back to my car but instead of saying goodbye we remained in his car sharing passionate kisses.  I was surprised at how much chemistry we shared.  We must have stayed there kissing and touching for two hours.  That night I barely slept.  I knew I had fallen hard.

The next couple of months were spent mostly together.  We eventually gave into our whims and I couldn’t have been more pleasantly surprised by him.  We continued spending all our spare time together.  At work he would meet me at my car almost everyday to give me a hug and a kiss goodbye even though we’d be seeing each other in a few hours.  He made me feel desired, sexy and alive.  I couldn’t get enough of him.  I was finally starting to get past the race issue.  One day when we were walking through the mall with our arms around each other a Caucasian kid no more than 18 years old walked by, blatantly looked us up and down and said sarcastically, “Right on.”  It was our first racist comment.  It was the only time I ever let it bother me.  After that I could have cared less what anyone thought because I knew I was falling in love with this guy.

We shared movies, dinners, drinks and intimate talks.  He called or texted all the time.  His attention was always on me.  I thrived off of it.  He asked me to attend his best friend’s birthday party at a night club in San Francisco.  This seemed really important to him, like it was a big deal for him to invite me.  He booked a hotel room and made dinner reservations.  I had a new, sexy, black lace cocktail dress I planned to wear.  The night before, I didn’t sleep very well.  When I met him at his house in the afternoon I had a migraine that was hurting so bad the sun was blinding.  We stopped to get gas and coffee and drove to the city.  The hotel was beautiful and I felt special to be there with him.  As soon as we arrived, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.  He had to call the restaurant to change our reservation time. 

Dinner was delicious as always.  He had a taste for fine foods which never failed.  After dinner we drove to the club.  The music was blaring, making my headache worse.  He introduced me to his best friend and I wished her a happy birthday.  Everyone there had had a lot to drink, especially the birthday girl, and they were all having a grand time.  I felt like I was ruining the party.  We spent most of the night hanging out in a corner talking and cuddling.  His friend came over and pulled him out onto the dance floor.  Of course he dragged me with him but I pulled back because I still wasn’t feeling well.  He quickly came back over to me, eventually deciding it was time to go.

We had a very special evening sharing quality time together.  We talked late into the night.  In the morning he ordered room service and we sat on the bed eating and talking.  That weekend away marked a defining moment in our relationship.

Three months into the relationship I felt him pulling away.  I confronted him which pushed him even further away.  He broke up with me, giving me some made-up excuse of possibly going back to the country he was from.  I didn’t believe it for a second.  I knew he was just scared of what he was feeling for me.  I was heartbroken.  I spent hours at his house talking and crying to him.  It was the first time I told him that I was falling in love with him.  He was dumping me and I was telling him that I loved him.  He comforted me, held me, rubbed my back, kissed me and you can imagine what else.  Then we went to dinner.  Who does this?  I left his house that night devastated.  Who knew that I could fall so fast, so hard with someone I had nothing in common with and wasn’t even attracted to initially?  I sent him a text message telling him that my heart was in pieces.  He responded with an apology and told me he loved me too.

Within a few days of our breakup he began sending text messages telling me his missed me.  We fell right back into our pattern of dinners and spending regular time together.  The breakup brought us closer together.  Eventually we found ourselves right back in the same situation.  When we were together everything was amazing.  We never argued.  We always laughed and shared our lives.  We were perfect together.  I supported his career, his promotion and other significant events occurring in his life and in exchange he supported my health concern, job loss and so many other important moments.  But it always came back to him pulling away from me.  I was scared and confused.  We had bonded so closely and I visualized myself sharing a life with him.  Each time a break up occurred it was worse than the time before.  It devastated me and it would take me time to catch my breath.

It was the most amazing seven months of my life until it happened again.  He tells me that it’s his fault, that he always makes me sad.  I don’t understand how he can run from something so beautiful.  His fear is our only problem.  I honestly see a scared little boy in a man’s body.  It makes me sad that he will let his fear ruin our relationship, our love.

This man broke down so many of my barriers about race, love and intimacy.  He affected my life profoundly and changed me in ways I didn’t understand were possible.  I went from seeing an Asian man in front of me to loving a man who happened to be Asian.  I know that God put him in my path for a very important reason.  Even now I don’t feel as if it’s over.  Maybe God is just giving us a break to gather our thoughts.  And if it’s not in God’s plans for us to be in each other’s lives, I will do my best to accept it and walk away.  It’s in His hands now and I thank Him for giving me this time with the man who captured my heart.

Kenny Lipska... A Soul Lost Too Soon

I received the news yesterday that one of my closest friends from high school was on life support after being diagnosed with spinal meningitis.  It all happened so quickly and now he's laying in a hospital bed on life support waiting to be sent home to God.

Kenny and I became friends through my high school sweetheart and we quickly forged a bond.  His family lived on the same street as so many of the kids we went to school with and he had tons of friends.  All the girls liked him.  He was cute and sweet and funny and kind... and so much more.  He was my friend.

On summer nights we would all sit out in the street listening to music, telling stories, laughing and talking.  When I was sad, Kenny would put his arm around me and let me cry on his shoulder.  When I was happy, he would laugh with me.  When I just needed a friend, he would wrap his arms around me and hold me.

I have so many fond memories of him that I hold dear to my heart.  One summer night, we were all hanging out with his family on his front lawn.  They were a close-knit, religious bunch (he has two sisters).  We were laying down on the lawn cuddled up in a blanket, looking up at the stars.  I never used to show affection like that but he made me comfortable.  He loved me for me.

Kenny is the (only) reason I fell in love with country music.  He and his neighbor Matt got me listening to, don't laugh... Billy Ray Cyrus.  I never would have imagined myself listening to anything with a twang.  If it weren't for Kenny playing "Achy Breaky Heart" I might not have ever opened my heart and mind to country.

On summer days, the gang would all drive out to the local reservoir and the boys would go on the rope swings.  They would climb down the steep hill, grab the ropes hanging from the trees and literally hoist themselves up and into the water.  My best friend Renee and I never did.  I had an immense fear of the dirty green water but we would sit back and watch the boys.  Kenny loved the rope swings.

I haven't spoken to Kenny since high school though I did look for him on Facebook a couple of years ago with no results.  Last summer I connected with an old friend (who was one of the gang that would hang out on that street together) and he is the person who shared this devastating news with me.  I feel sad that I missed out on the last years of Kenny's life.  I'm told that he was very happily married with two beautiful boys.  I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he is gone.  I am beyond devastated that this wonderful friend and good-hearted man has passed away so early in life.  He will be missed by so many.  I can't even begin to imagine how much this has rocked his family's world.  Words cannot express the devastation.

Kenny Lipska, may you rest in peace.  God bless you and your entire family.

*If you have any memories to share about Kenny feel free to respond with a comment.

***Afterthought:  Feeling sad, I just took a drive through the old neighborhood and relived many of the memories.  As I was turning onto the street, Lady Antebellum's song, "Need You Now" came on the radio.   How ironic that a country song would play at the exact moment I was driving on Kenny's old street (I was not listening to country radio).  So sad.

A Long Distance Love

September 17, 1995

It was a hot autumn Sunday afternoon in Northern California.  My sister Gina and I were making our usual rounds at the Fiestas Patrias Festival in downtown San Jose, traveling from stage to stage in order to find the best performers at the event.  The celebration is held annually in honor of Mexican Independence Day.  Still, to this day, I don’t believe most people understand the true meaning of the holiday they are celebrating.  It’s just another day to party it up in the streets of downtown, listen to some live music, put back a few drinks and have a good time with other like-minded folk.  But really, Fiestas Patrias was created to celebrate the end of Spanish rule over Mexico.

But back to my story.  Gina and I were walking down the street looking for a stage with some good music when we passed by a group of attractive Latin men, in their early 20s.  As we moved beyond them I turned around to look back.  One of the men had separated himself from the others and was smiling back at me.  He waved me over so off Gina and I went, not really having any idea what to expect.  Little did I know that this would be the start of a long-lived friendship, and the beginning of a romance with the man I’d consider to be my true love.

His name was Ryan.  The guy that called us over, not the true love.  I’ll get to him soon enough.  Ryan?  That’s not a Latin name.  With his dark skin, brown, wavy hair and big brown eyes, he definitely wasn’t Caucasian.  Ryan explained that he and his band mates from Puerto Rico were in San Jose to perform at the festival.  Puerto Rico, you said?  My ears perked up at those words.  Puerto.  Rico.  Ahh, pure bliss.  We followed Ryan to the front of DeAnza Hotel where the rest of the guys were standing inside the lobby.  One of them, who I would later determine to be Jose, was peering out the window with his light brown eyes and sandy brown hair, watching me.  Weird, I thought.  He was attractive but my attention was focused on Ryan who was talking to us animatedly.

“What’s the name of your music group?” I asked?  Hache Dos O.  OK, I speak Spanish so I can figure this out.  Let me think for a minute.  Hache is H.  Dos is two.  O is O!  I get it:  H2O!  The light bulb went off.  “No way, you’re in H2O?” I ask Ryan.  “Yes, and we’re performing here today so you guys should come watch,” he says in a blend of Puerto Rican and New York accents.  The irony of this experience is that during Christmas the year before, my sister and I were shopping at Tower Records (you know, the days when we used to have real record stores where we actually bought real records) for some of the latest CDs on our lists which were each the length of a child’s Christmas wish list for Santa.  We, of course, were in the Latin music section hunting for some cool finds.  I pulled out a CD entitled “De Otro Planeta” (“From Another Planet”) with five cute guys on the cover, one with long hair, past his shoulders.  He was the “rocker.”  Funny, all you needed to get our attention was to put some cute, tan men on the cover of a CD and we were suckers.  So there it was.  We had a CD from this group we had just met. 

Ryan briefly introduced us to his band mates Jose, Axel (not quite Axl Rose but tall and lanky like him), Carlos and Johnny, who was tall, with pasty skin, jet black hair and beautiful clear blue eyes that could see right through you.  Johnny was delicious but it was Axel who caught my attention and whom I would eventually develop a small crush on (still, not my true love).  We also met the group’s manager, Pedro, who happened to be Jose’s father.  Following introductions, Ryan told us that he was hungry and wanted a hamburger so we took him to this cute, little 50s diner called “Peggy Sue’s,” a staple of San Pedro Square in downtown San Jose, that makes a great burger, fries and shake.  We hung out for a short while until it was time for Ryan to head back to his hotel because it was almost show time.

That afternoon we stood in the sweltering heat to watch our new friends in H2O perform songs from their old repertoire and new.  They were singing to us, smiling at us from the stage above and making us feel like we were the only ones there.  It was in that short-lived time that I decided I was a fan.  I even took a few pictures which have a special place in my photo album.  While the guys were onstage singing and dancing, girls were screaming in the audience.  We were so excited to be there supporting our new found friends.

When the show was over the boys went back to their hotel to get cleaned up.  Ryan called later so we could have dinner together.  And when he did, we were ready to go.  My sister and I hopped in my white 1994 Volkswagen Jetta carat and drove the seven mile trek to pick them up from their hotel.  When we arrived Johnny was sick in bed.  We took a bunch of pictures around the room, on the bed, in the chaise lounge, sitting at the table.  We were having a blast creating good memories we would later look back on fondly.  When we decided to take the boys to dinner in our quaint little town of Los Gatos Johnny stayed back to rest.

Before heading to Los Gatos we took the boys to our parents’ house so they could meet them.  My parents’ friends were there for dinner (they are from Germany, thick accents and all) and had been drinking wine for a while.  We brought the boys inside but Carlos and Jose just as quickly stepped back out on the front porch.  Carlos didn’t speak English and was uncomfortable being there and Jose was just quiet.  My parents and their friends were amused by these four cultured young men as they laughed and told stories.  Ryan would exaggerate his New York accent when speaking and he and my mother compare theirs (Ryan grew up in the Bronx and Mom was raised in Brooklyn), discussing their hometowns.  It was like our little United Nations summit with Puerto Ricans, Italians and Germans all in the same room.  Ryan and Axel were playing my mom’s three little white toy poodles.  It was adorable.  We couldn’t get enough of these boys.

We squeezed into my sister’s car, a light blue 1989 convertible Mustang.  As my sister sat down in the car a loud farting sound ripped through the vehicle.  As it turns out, Jose is quite the jokester and thinks it’s hilarious to make it appear as if a young woman is farting so he can embarrass her.  The guys were laughing.  I was not.

It was late in the evening on a Sunday night so the roads were empty.  We arrived in Los Gatos in no time at all but most of the restaurants weren’t open so we ate at a local brewery, the Los Gatos Brewing Company.  I’d never eaten there before so it was a first for all of us.  We were immediately seated at a booth and began chatting away about music, Puerto Rico, being in a band and whatever other topics came up.  Axel was different.  He was animated and he wears his emotions on his sleeve so I was gushing over him when I felt a swift kick from under the table.  Ouch!  It wasn’t hard to figure out that it was Jose since he’s the one who had the Cheshire cat grin across his face.  I didn’t think it was funny.  As we chatted about what it was like to be on the road and what their plans were in California, I peered across the table at Jose bending a spoon like he was David Copperfield.  “WOW, this guy’s mature,” I thought sarcastically.  Apparently I didn’t look amused with his magic skills because I felt another kick from under the table.  By this time I was thoroughly annoyed.  Good thing we were done with dinner and it was time to take the guys back to their hotel.  They had to leave early the next morning to head to Los Angeles so they could start recording their next CD, yet to be titled.  Before we drove them back, we exchanged addresses and phone numbers with everyone and promised to stay in touch.

Over the next week Ryan called to tell me how the recording was going and what they’d been doing during their time off.  One of the top vocal coaches from Puerto Rico was there to work with H2O with the recording of the album.  Ryan suggested that we drive down to LA to see them before they had to go back to Puerto Rico.  Enough said!  The light bulb went off inside my head and before you know it, Gina and I were waking up at 4 am to make the long trek to LA.  It was pitch black as we hit the freeway.  Sidebar: We were living with our parents and Dad was always strict so we asked our mother to cover for us and say that we went to the gym early in the morning and that we’d be out late that night.  We have an open relationship with Mom so we gave her all the details of where we’d be and who we’d be with so she didn’t worry.  And off we went!

We made the drive with just one restroom stop in a little sleeper town in Central California.  Still dark outside when we hit a mini mart for a candy fix, we saw something that appeared to be a UFO flying through the air, low to the ground as we were getting back into the car.  Scared out of our minds that we’d be abducted by aliens in a deserted town, we hopped on the freeway as fast as we could and got the heck out of dodge.  We’d later realize that our unidentified flying object was really just a crop duster plane spraying pesticides over the local agriculture.  Guess they weren’t coming for us after all! 

After a four and a half hour journey we finally arrived at the guys’ hotel in Van Nuys.  We immediately called Ryan to let him know that we’d made it safely.  My friend Alex (short for Alejandrina) lived in downtown LA so she met up with us to hang out and meet the band.  Ryan came down to the lobby and shortly after, the rest of the boys arrived, along with Pedro, Jose’s dad.  We sat around, talked, laughed and took a ton of photos until the boys had to head to the studio to meet their vocal coach.  Ryan asked us to meet them there in the afternoon.

Gina, Alex and I drove out to City Walk at Universal Studios to have lunch.  We chatted about our new friends, how cute they were and what a great time we were having.  After lunch and a stroll through the shops to purchase a few gifts for the guys, we pulled out a map to figure out how to get to Soundabout Studios somewhere near their hotel.  This would be my first time at a recording studio.  We spent the next couple of hours watching the boys go in and out of the studios, rehearse their lyrics and nervously accept feedback from the coach, all the while we were flirting with our chosen band mate.

The day turned into night and before we knew it our time with H2O had come to an end.  We needed to get back to San Jose before our father started questioning Mom as to our whereabouts so sadly we said our goodbyes with lots of hugs and kisses (this is how the Puerto Ricans do it) and again we promised to keep in touch.

I was a full time student at a local community college and life was busy.  The next few months flew by but I still managed to make time to write letters to Ryan, Axel and Jose and include a token of my affections, the gifts I had purchased at City Walk while visiting them.  They each received a penny with a shape such as a heart, teardrop or diamond carved out of the center and a small description of the meaning behind the penny.  Three months after we met I received an unexpected phone call in the middle of the afternoon from the person I connected with the least but… Jose called me to say hi and thank me for the present.  That call began a five-year fairytale love affair by phone with the love of my life.

Over the next few years, I would receive weekly, then eventually daily phone calls from Jose.  Oddly enough, he had a girl friend that he was committed to.  I had no idea I would fall in love with the guy that annoyed me with his childlike antics but his persistent phone calls would break down the barriers I had built around me with men.  We would slowly become the best of friends, confiding in each other our relationship problems, issues that stemmed from our childhoods and talk of our hopes and dreams.  We shared a love of music, close family bonds and common values.  His relationship came to an end which opened the door for deeper communication.  When he would have an important decision to make in his life such as signing a solo recording contract he would call me to ask for my opinion.  He would take a job as a music promoter and manager.  I would receive phone calls from him no matter where he was traveling, be it Miami, Panama or South America.  We became dependant upon each other and upon our ritualistic phone calls.  We developed a deep spiritual connection.  I would “know” it was him on the other end of the line when the phone would ring.   I would be studying for an exam in my California history class and would read the name “Jose” in my book and immediately the phone would ring and it would be him.  I didn’t understand it all but I was reveling in the attention.  I almost couldn’t function without him.  He challenged me in ways that nobody had ever done before.  He made me laugh and cry.  He made me angry and we argued.  He confused me.  But he made me feel like I’d never felt before.  He would say the things to me that nobody else dared to say.  And I would listen.  I heard him.  I understood him.  And I loved him.

I had never been shown so much attention by a man.  Jose used terms of endearment like “Baby” or “Mi amor.”  No man had called me such loving names before but it sure did feel good.  One night we were talking about music, discussing Jon Secada’s song “Tuyo” (yours) and he said to me, “Tuya.”  He was mine.  Was this for real?  Another time we were talking on the phone and in the background I heard his best friend Eric say, “Jose’s calling his girl friend.”  My heart leapt.

The years went by and the phone calls continued.  Our phone bills grew with the endless calls.  He called me one night and told me that his phone bill and there for four $30 phone calls to me totalling $120.  We talked for hours.  Time didn’t matter.  Nothing else mattered.  When I transferred to the university I started looking into an overseas study program in Costa Rica.  When I told him about it he suggested I move to Puerto Rico and stay with him.  What did this all mean?  I thought about it often and believed that it would eventually happen.  I loved this man and though he didn’t say it back, I knew in my heart that he loved me too.  We each had strong personalities and both had mood swings.  It was a tumultuous relationship but I always felt the reward.

As time went on and we lived our lives, each of us developed other relationships.  Jose became involved in a serious relationship and would eventually tell me that he planned to marry the girl.  I was devastated and cried to him frantically on the phone.  I look back at myself and can see how lost I was as a person that I would be heartbroken and unable to let go of him.

In the fall of 1999, I was a production assistant on the set of a music video for the track “Skintight” by The Donnas.  We filmed for four days, working long hours everyday, sometimes into the middle of the night.  I took a break at one point to call Jose to check on him because he had been down from a breakup with his girlfriend and hadn’t been returning my phone calls.  I could tell something was definitely wrong.  The phone rang for what seemed like an eternity and when I heard Pedro’s voice I knew something must be terribly wrong.  He told me that Jose was in the hospital.  My heart stopped.  I was worried beyond belief but he promised me that Jose would be home soon and he would call me upon his return.  And he did.

Over the next two months we would speak on a regular basis.  I had lost my best friend Raul to a brain aneurysm six months prior and my emotions were all over the map.  I was trying to cope with this major change in my life and be there for Jose as well.  In December my father offered to trade in his airline mileage to give Jose a plane ticket to come to California for the holidays.  On the 23^rd of December Jose was on an airplane to San Jose to spend two weeks with my family.  I loved this man with all my heart but hadn’t seen him in four years.  Was I crazy or just in love?

My mother and I drove to San Francisco International Airport to pick up Jose and my father, who ironically enough was flying in an hour after Jose.  Security wasn’t as tight as it is now and the gates were accessible to visitors.  I waited anxiously for the doors to open and passengers to come off the plane.  When I finally saw Jose walk out in his black and green sweater, ready for winter, my heart skipped a beat.  It was wonderful and awkward all at the same time.  He was subdued which made me uncomfortable but I was happier than I’d been in a long time.  At the baggage claim area we didn’t say much.  We watched and waited as all the bags moved down the ramp but his luggage never arrived.  We filed a claim with the airline and were told to come back the next day to pick it up.

We waited inside the Red Carpet Club for my father’s flight to arrive.  I told Jose I had to go to the restroom and ran straight for the pay phones where I called my friend Angel to fill her in on his arrival.  As I was talking to her he rounded the corner and caught me in my little white lie.  I quickly got off the phone and followed him back to where he was sitting with my mother.  We met my father, got his luggage and then drove back to San Jose in a silence-filled car.  As soon as we got to the house I set Jose up in my room and he went to bed.

After making the trip back to the airport to pick up Jose’s luggage on Christmas Eve morning, my family and I slaved away in the kitchen in preparation of the Italian-style dinner that would be taking place at our house.  The cioppino was cooking on the stove and the house smelled of sauce.  Jose started to relax and get comfortable around us.  My aunt and uncle were told there would be a “special guest” at dinner and were surprised to see Jose.  They had been hearing about this mystery man for four years and were starting to believe that he was a figment of my imagination.  Surprise, surprise… he was real.  My sister, her husband Javier and my niece Giovanna arrived shortly thereafter along with Javier’s sister and her husband.  Dinner was filled with conversation and laughter.

After a few hours and many bottles of wine, my sister asked us to join them at Javier’s family’s house for their celebration at midnight.  We piled in the truck with all the gifts and headed off for the 20 minute drive to Fremont.  Jose fit in right away.  Javier’s family is Guatemalan so there was plenty of Spanish speaking and salsa music along with cervezas y tequila!  A few hours and many shots later, everyone was inebriated except for Gina so she sleepily drove us home as I cuddled with Jose in the backseat.  Jose’s time here started off well.

The days flew by as we got to know each other again.  It took some time to begin opening up but I fell more in love with Jose in our short time together than I had in the four years prior.  The days and nights were filled with activities.  We spent many nights at my friend Angel’s apartment in Dublin, partied in Monterey, saw movies, went to restaurants and hung out with my best friend Melissa and her boyfriend.  Jose cooked a traditional Puerto Rican dinner (with what ingredients we could find in a California grocery store) for me and my friends, played with my then two-year-old niece, watched football games on TV, and shopped at the mall.  We spent our final day and night together site seeing in San Francisco.  During his time here we experienced our first kiss which I’d waited too long for.  We made love for the first time.  It was the most passionate moment shared between us, like being struck by electricity (in a good way, if there is such a thing).  I had never experienced being with someone I was truly in love with and it took my breath away. 

We had our fair share of arguments and many lapses in conversation.  We were getting to know each other’s personalities in person and learning one another’s inner workings.  I loved every moment of our two weeks together.  The day before we had to say goodbye, while hanging out in San Francisco, we both became quiet.  There was a sadness looming over us along with the dark clouds in the sky.  Jose kept his distance.  We visited Alcatraz, Market Street, Lombard Street, and the wharf.

We had dinner at Planet Hollywood where I had a little too much to drink.  We went back to our hotel on the waterfront and made love for what would be the final time.  The next morning inside the terminal at the airport we would spend our last hour together.  I had turned all my feelings inward and begun to shut down.  I saw the sadness in his eyes as we drank our last beer together. 

When they announced that the plane was boarding he gave me a quick kiss goodbye so as not to show any emotion.  I watched him board the plane until I couldn’t see him any longer.  He never looked back.  Maybe he didn’t want me to see the sadness in his eyes but I was feeling it too.  The second he was out of my view the tears began to flow.  I walked as fast as I could until I reached the parking lot.  I walked in circles for at least 15 minutes looking for my car but it was nowhere to be found.  I could no longer control my emotions and started bawling.  I used my keyless remote to make the alarm sound on my car.  I could hear it but I still couldn’t find the damn car.  I called my father crying hysterically as if he’d be able to jump through the phone and help me find it.  He told me to find security and ask them to drive me around to look for my car.  How the hell could I lose my car?  What I soon discovered was that I was in the right spot on the wrong floor.  I found the elevator and took it up one level.  My car was standing exactly where I had left it hours before.  I spent the hour-long drive on the phone with friends crying uncontrollably as if my dog had just died.  It would take days, even weeks to heal from this.

At first Jose called me regularly upon his return to Puerto Rico but the calls slowed along with the emptiness I was feeling.  After a couple of weeks of silence he called and I could hear a sense of anguish in his voice as he told me he’d been with another woman.  He was going to be a dad.  My world went dark.  In the next few months he would try to communicate but I would respond with anger, we would fight and he would hang up on me.  He told me on more than one occasion, “I don’t understand why you are so angry at me.”  My heart was broken and I was devastated.  It would take more than a few phone calls to recover from this blow.  I asked him to give me time to get through the initial shock.  I didn’t want him out of my life but I knew that things would never be the same between us.  My world had changed with this news.  We didn’t speak again.

And so it would be, the love of my life was no longer allowed to be… the love of my life.  Circumstances took our lives in different directions.  It was time to let go and move forward, never letting go of the love we shared but putting it in its proper place, so I could open my heart again.

It took a few years but finally we would reconnect and reestablish a friendship.  Jose apologized for his behavior and I forgave him.  I was happy just to have him back in my life.  We have tried our best to remain friends.  We exchange e-mails and on occasion phone calls but it hasn’t been easy.  He is married with a step daughter and a son who is the love of his life and I respect that.  I did get to see him in 2005 while I was in Puerto Rico promoting a singer.  He met me at the bar that a friend’s band was performing at where we had the opportunity to talk face to face.  It was the first, and only time, we’d seen each other since our goodbye on that fateful day in 2000.  Through our conversation I was able to heal my wounded heart and say goodbye to what could have been.