The Story of X

Yesterday I was happily deleting files off my computer, which I do now and again to make room for the new, when I hopped on Windows Live Messenger.  I hadn't signed on in months so this was quite unusual for me but out of shear curiosity, I signed in.  I continued away deleting files and programs when up popped a message from an unexpected source.  We'll call him "X".

I've known X since 2004.  He was the keyboard player in the band I was promoting throughout the states.  We were like two peas in a pod, on the road for a month and a half, always chatting and laughing and having a good time.  We walked from the apartment we were staying at in West Hollywood to Tower Records on Sunset Blvd., all the while telling stories and cracking ourselves up.  We often-times shared a room at some dumpy motel in the middle of nowhere as we drove through the desert to get from Los Angeles to our end destination:  Dallas, Texas.  X and I would spend nights talking about everything from past relationships to the perils of the music industry to our current passions and woes.  There wasn't anything we didn't tell each other.  Through our shared experiences on the road we bonded and would develop a lasting friendship.  Many thought there was something more than friendship between us but it never once leaned in that direction.  He was my best friend.

Our friendship continued (or should I say, "survived"?) through the breakup of the band, broken relationships, marriage and divorce, family turmoil, visits from me to his home across the country and an ocean, his visits to me in Los Angeles and much, much more.  But the last time I saw him is a day I knew something was about to change, and not for the better.

It was May of 2008, when X planned a spontaneous trip to LA to visit me for a few days.  The trip was really just an excuse to pick up some music equipment he had ordered through a friend at the Guitar Center in Hollywood.  His friend was providing him a steep discount which made the trip worth his while.

My plan was to hang out with X as much as possible, do some site seeing, go out to dinner and spend time with friends while still handling my daily responsibilities at work.  My friend in my apartment complex offered to pick X up from the airport while I was at my morning job and drop him off at the Guitar Center.  After I got off work from my afternoon job I would drive out to Hollywood to pick him and his equipment up and bring him back to my apartment in Santa Monica.  So off I went, with my roommate in tow, into the midst of rush hour traffic.  If you know anything about LA, you know that it can take you an hour to drive five miles.  I had to drive eight miles.  Needless to say, it took us over an hour but we finally arrived where I was greeted with a giant bear hug.  It was so nice to see X.

We spent the next few days cramming in as much activity as we could in between my jobs.  We had dinner with friends, went shopping, hung out at Universal City Walk and walked around Beverly Hills where we visited my friend Hasty Torres' chocolate shop, Madame Chocolat, which has been featured on such shows as "The Girls Next Door" and "Dr. Phil."  Hasty is an exceptional chocolatier trained by the world famous culinary chef and chocolatier Jacques Torres.  I had dinner with Hasty and Jacques once in Hollywood, the day that the episode of "The Girls Next Door" was filmed at Madame Chocolat which I'll share another time.  We managed to cram so much into the first few days which was great because I became seriously ill a couple of days in that I couldn't do much.  Everywhere we went I had to visit a bathroom every 20 minutes.  I wasn't eating but I was still sick to my stomach.  It was coming out both ends.  This was making it impossible to go anywhere or to enjoy myself.

Even though I was terribly sick, X was visiting and still wanted to do things and I didn't want to disappoint him.  I asked my friends to take him out and show him a good time.  They were good to him but he still pushed for me to come along.  I was getting more frustrated by the day because I felt as though he was being selfish.  I understood that he came a long way but what was I supposed to do, wear a diaper so I could paint the town with him?

I somehow managed to pull myself together on X's final night in town.  We made dinner reservations for us and three other friends at a high-end restaurant famous for its ribs, just up the street from my apartment.  X wanted to take us to dinner as a thank you.  I was feeling resentful but did my best to put those feelings (and my illness) aside so that we could enjoy our last few hours together before I had to take him to the airport.  We had some wine and I ordered the ribs but I really didn't consume much.  I just wasn't up for it.  We all had a great time laughing and eating (me watching them eat) and soon enough it was time to say goodbye.

In the days following X's departure, he called and asked me to pick up one last piece of equipment he had ordered that hadn't come into the store until he was already back home.  I had no time in between trying to take care of my health, my jobs and the other things I had going on.  It's not like in "LA-distance" the store was around the corner.  I was also furious because at this point he didn't even offer to reimburse me for the expenses.  X asked a friend of mine who wasn't working at the time and didn't live far from the Guitar Center to pick up the item and bring it over to me which thankfully he did.  I remember how angry I was the day I mailed the package to him.  The emotions had been brewing for at least a week and a half so it wouldn't be long before they erupted.  When he eventually called, it all came out like a volcano spewing ash.  I do believe that was the last time we spoke until just yesterday when his instant message flashed on my screen to my utter shock.  I'm not saying my behavior was appropriate or acceptable because it was neither.  I've learned a tremendous amount about myself since that time which is why I was so thrilled to see his name pop up on my screen.

We chatted online for an hour yesterday and much was said to heal the wounds of times past. We were very lucky to have found each other that day though I'm not sure I can call it luck.  Maybe divine intervention.  I had been thinking about X a lot, missing his friendship and wondering how he was doing.  Ironically, I had come across many of the photos we've taken over the years while I'd been sorting through the files on my computer.

And then there were his recent experiences.  X told me that the night before he had had a dream about me, that I was crying and he was there to wipe away my tears.  When he woke up he couldn't stop thinking about me all day.  He decided to sign onto Messenger which he said he hadn't done in months and there I was.  Hmmm... makes you wonder why things happen the way they do.  But who am I to question how God works?  I'm just grateful to have my friend back in my life.  And you know what?  It was exactly how it always was between us: natural.

This story is a prime example of forgiveness (for both of us) and gratitude.  I am forever grateful to understand the true meaning of forgiveness and the ability to let go.  Often times we waste so much of our energy being hurt or angry over something so minor that we miss out on valuable time with our loved ones.  What a spectacular lesson! 

The Great Planet Earth Debate

The Great Planet Earth Debate is an audio-visual presentation like nothing else I've ever seen.  It's an educational experience melded with music in order to present children with the opportunity to learn about Planet Earth in a 21st Century way.

Don't forget to check out the trailer.  If you're interested in getting involved or bringing the program into your school or educational system, feel free to contact me.

Makeover on my Blog

My blog was a little discombobulated.  I don't know what happened to all the html but everything was all out of order, stories became giant paragraphs and the whole site was looking ragged.  So I made a few changes.

What do you think of the new look?

Comments welcome!

Repost: A Message of Discovery & Hope

Dear Friends and Family:

It is a new time for us now as we sit in awe of the current federal deficit which seems only to be getting worse. The government would like you to believe that the economy is getting better and that by taking over the healthcare system, you will be better provided for in the future. No matter what you may think, I challenge you to do your own research. By this I mean really look into it. Don’t just assume you know the facts. Each political party provides you with the information they want for you to hear. If you are a conservative you are probably only consuming media from the right side, not allowing any other information to enter into your world. If you are a liberal, the same goes for the left side. I ask you to please open your mind and discover the wealth of information that abounds. There is so much to know, so many questions to be asked and answered and only you can do that for yourself. Please do NOT rely on the media or political parties to feed you information because most of it is bogus or tainted to encourage you to lean one way or the other.

I invite you to check out the website www.attentionallcitizens.org where you will find many videos that I promise you will make you think long and hard about what is happening in this country today. We have no one to blame but ourselves for not getting involved. Hopefully we can begin answering our own questions and coming together as a nation to resolve the issues that lie ahead of us.

If you get a chance, please check out this promotional short film for “Songs for the Fall of an Empire” by Ignacio Peña:

It’s 8 minutes of your life that won’t be wasted. Feel free to pass it on.

We can fix this. Meet me in the middle.

Comments on "Singer Turned Soldier"

I received a nasty and heartless comment on my blog regarding the story "Singer Turned Soldier" about singer Marcos Hernandez giving up his musical career and signing his life over to the Marines.  It's a comment I won't condone by approving it for publication, however, I do want to respond here.  Whoever anonymously commented and didn't have the balls enough to do so openly, you are a coward.  You may not agree with a person's choice to join the military, and you clearly don't agree with the actions our military has taken overseas, but that does not give you the right to wish detrimental events upon others.  Where is your heart?  Our men and women give up their lives everyday in order to protect YOU from the evils of the world.  How ungrateful can you be?

And to comment on someone's talent in such a harsh manner the way you did is pathetic.  Are you a record label exec?  A professional musician?  A&R?  What gives you the right to pass judgment?  We are each entitled to our opinion, especially about someone who placed themselves in the public eye, but let's keep it on a professional level.  You don't have to get dirty and comment on someone personally.  That's just cruel.  You must have zero self-worth.

And oh by the way, you might want to go back to school and educate yourself in grammar and syntax in the English language.  You were so quick to judge someone else but you might want to take a look at yourself.  Most of what you wrote made absolutely no sense.  You can't even write a complete sentence.  And if you don't like my blog, guess what?  Don't read it.  It's as simple as that.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Muzik Girl

How I lost 23 lbs I didn't know I had to lose...

In the last six months, I've been questioned from every angle as to how I've lost 23 pounds I hadn't even realized I'd gained until I really began looking at it from a health aspect.

For those that have been asking how I lost all the weight, I'm ready to tell all.  But before I do, here's a little insight into how I gained it in the first place.  If you don't know how you got there, you'll never know how to keep it off in the future.

It was October of 2007, following the break up an almost two-year relationship when I found myself nauseous for 10 days straight.  For several months I'd been unhappy.  I'd been downright depressed.  I'd been eating ice cream (a poor choice not just because it's fattening but also because I'm lactose intolerant) and chocolate candy, and blending the two: chocolate ice cream.  I was going out with my friends to the bar and drinking excessively.  Throughout the summer, in order to cope, I spent weekends at my apartment complex pool with my friends drinking margaritas and daiquiris and eating unhealthy finger foods.  This lousy behavior lead to my rock bottom.

I could barely get out of bed because the room wouldn't stop spinning.  I've always been that girl who has nausea so when it first started I didn't think anything of it.  But as the days went by and the nausea grew worse, to the point that I couldn't function, I knew something was very wrong.  I did everything I'd ever been taught in order to alleviate my symptoms.  I drank Sprite, ate saltine crackers, slept a lot, continued exercising and trying to eat a fairly healthy diet and I even got anti-nausea medication in the form of syrup from the pharmacy but nothing seemed to work.  I went to two different urgent care centers but none of the diagnoses seemed to fit me and the solutions didn't change a thing.  I had been in LA for a year and a half and still hadn't found myself a primary care physician.  The day my nausea got so bad, I called my friend sobbing and asked her to go to yet another urgent care with me to find out what was wrong because I couldn't stand it any longer.

When I was finished with work that day, off we went, traipsing from Santa Monica to Marina del Rey in the midst of rush hour traffic.  The moment I walked into the urgent care offices, I already felt relief.  The nurse started by running down a list of probing questions to which I responded matter-of-factly.  The final question: Could you be pregnant?  "Umm, NO!"  I told the nurse, "I've had my period.  I can't be pregnant," to which she immediately responded, "Just because you've had your period doesn't mean you can't be pregnant."  HELLO!  Where the hell have I been over the last 30 years of life?  Did I miss sex ed?  Apparently so.  At this point, I immediately flipped out.  I could not, would not be pregnant with his baby.  She handed me a cup and told me to pee in it so she could be certain I wasn't pregnant.

I was so scared.  I anxiously peed in the cup and handed it to the nurse.  Thank God she did the test right away and it was only a matter of minutes before I officially knew I was NOT pregnant.  Thank you dear Lord for that lesson learned.  You see, my relationship had ended poorly.  The guy had cheated on me and done some other horrible things so this is clearly someone I did not want to parent a child with under any circumstances.

The doctor came into the room and introduced himself.  He was not much older than me which made me uncomfortable, yet at the same time I knew I was in capable hands, someone who was up on the latest medical technology and treatments.  We talked about the possibility of pregnancy, what my lifestyle was like and how I got to this particular place.  He said it sounded like acid reflux but he wanted to run a full gamut of tests to be sure.  I also asked him, just to be on the safe side and rule out all possibilities, to test me for all STDs.  Scared as I was, I wanted to be certain that I didn't leave that relationship with a gift from my ex.

In the midst of our conversation and the doctor's questions, I filled him in on the relationship.  I was sitting in this exam room with a doctor whom I'd just met ten minutes before, with my friend, crying.  The doctor told me, "Don't cry.  Look at you, sitting in urgent care, wearing a West Coast Choppers sweatshirt, crying."  He certainly got a laugh out of me.  If you've been living on another planet and don't know, West Coast Choppers is a motorcycle manufacturer based in Long Beach, California which is owned by Sandra Bullock's husband, Jesse James, the host of the Discovery Channel's hit show "Monster Garage."  It's fair to say that it's an oxymoron to be crying in this "tough girl" sweatshirt.  I loved that this doctor had a sense of humor and knew how to make his patients laugh in a serious and tear-filled moment.  In that moment I knew I'd found my new primary doc.

That week the doctor sent me for blood and urine tests to determine the root of cause for my sickness.  All tests came back negative which was a welcomed relief.  All of the results for blood glucose, cholesterol, triglycerides, etc., came back normal so I was basically in a normal state of health except for this nausea.  The doctor determined that I had acid reflux and the beginnings of an ulcer (thanks to all the Advil I'd been taking along with the Lactaid pills consumed with the ice cream) and he prescribed me the medication Omeprazole (generic for Prilosec) and also urged me to immediately move to a bland diet.  That meant no more alcohol, salt, acidic foods like tomatoes (I'm Italian.  What am I going to do without sauce?), no coffee or chocolate (caffeine is a huge trigger of acid reflux) and no more carbonated drinks because the bubbles only increase the acid in my stomach.  My doctor also suggested going to Whole Foods and checking out its selection of natural remedies for acid reflux.  He was the type of physician who preferred to fight illness with food, herbs and vitamins.  I knew we'd get along.

So here I was depressed, sick beyond belief and feeling very alone.  I drove straight to Longs to get my prescription and picked up a Sees chocolate candy bar with almonds at the register.  I'd be taking my medicine and saying my final farewell to chocolate.
As the weeks wore on with no coffee or chocolate and with my new best friend: my medication, the acid reflux was beginning to get under control.  Once in a while I'd have a slip up and grab a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup or a cup of coffee but I tried my best to avoid the foods the doc recommended against.  I started noticing my weight gain when I'd look at photos of myself and I was definitely not happy with the way I looked. I wasn't weighing myself so I didn't know for sure but the spare tire around my waist, which was visible to anybody with eyes, was a huge clue.  I'd go back home to visit my family and the photos would haunt me and taunt me, telling me how "fat" I'd become.  I'm not trying to offend anyone by using the word "fat" but for me, a petite 5'3", this was fat.  My unhealthy lifestyle and weight gain was definitely a factor in my move back to San Jose but I didn't comprehend that until I was home for at least six months and able to fully absorb the effects of LA on my body, mind and spirit.
As I acclimated back into a suburban lifestyle, I began changing my ways.  At the same time I was going through my own metamorphosis, a new television show started airing, one I'd been waiting for for over a year: The Doctor Oz Show.  I'd watched him on Oprah since his first appearance and slowly picked up many of his suggestions but I never fully incorporated them into my life - until now.  Some people think I'm crazy for taking the advice of a man on TV but Dr. Oz is not just any man.  He is a real life heart surgeon who heads up the cardiovascular surgery department at New York-Presbyterian Hospital in New York City.  He is a well-rounded physician and knows exactly what he's talking about when it comes to anything regarding the human body.  So with his medical advice, I began changing my life.
These are the changes I made:

1. I began taking probiotics (Good Belly, the probiotic drink I take, contains a live active culture like most yogurts except Good Belly is dairy-free).  These good bacteria help aid your body in digestion by attacking the bad bacteria in your system which in turn, helps in strengthening the immune system.  Probiotics can also be taken in pill form but pills do not contain the live culture so it's not as beneficial.  Click on the link for more info on Good Belly.
2. I eat less meat (beef and chicken) and more fish including salmon, cod, catfish and roughy.
3. I eat more tofu and vegetarian meals.  I am not, by any means, a vegetarian or suggest that you become one.  But I do know that going back to a basic diet of non-processed/packaged foods is the best thing we can do for our bodies so I try my best to limit my meat intake.
4. I cut out white foods including white bread, flour, etc.  (I do cheat sometimes but I don't make it a habit of eating these types of foods).  I replaced white stuff with whole grains and oats.
5. I cut out sugars including sports drinks, juices, soda and candy (except on occasion).
6. I exercise 5-7 days per week (running 3 miles a day) and weights, crunches, lunges a few times a week.
7. I eat breakfast everyday (never skip breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day) which includes a bowl of Cheerios or oatmeal and a smoothie made of frozen berries (dark berries loaded with antioxidants like blueberries, blackberries and raspberries - you can find a large bag in the frozen food section at Costco), 1/2 banana, soy milk, and 1 scoop of ground flax seed (for extra fiber and Omega 3) plus I take a multi-vitamin, calcium citrate with Vitamin D and magnesium, and fish oil (pill form, also with Omega 3).
8. Snacks throughout the day that consist of fruits and vegetables, a handful of nuts or pretzels, or granola.  
9. No more alcohol except for the occasional glass of wine or a wine-filled night.  Even then, I only drink red wine because there's too much sugar in white.

I'm not going to lie and say that I don't cheat now and again.  It's OK to have a handful of chocolate once in a while or that piece of cake at your birthday party but if you don't do it everyday, chances are it won't affect you too terribly.  It's like anything else - moderation.  I do drink coffee again - one cup a day.  While caffeine causes acid in the stomach, I now have my acid reflux under control and the caffeine doesn't affect me the way that it used it.  And oh by the way, I quit taking my medication about six months ago!  I didn't want to be a slave to medicine for the rest of my life so through changing the things I had control over such as food, sleep, exercise, etc., I have been able to manage my own health and the results have been amazing.  In the process, the pounds have melted away, sometimes without even trying.

Before I say goodbye, I'd like to share with you some before and after and transition photos.  Living a healthy lifestyle really does work and here are the pictures to prove it.
Happy Living!

Before
4/2008

5/2008

12/2008

1/2009

Transition
6/2009

After
9/2009

2010: New Year, New Me

I'm back!!! It's been a while since I've written on my blog but the time has arrived.

A new year with new energy. I've welcomed the new year and the new decade with open arms. Last year was one of the most challenging years I've ever faced but I made it through by the grace of God and with a sense of humor. I survived! That's a major feat in and of itself.

Going into 2009, I knew big changes lie ahead as I sensed a shift taking place inside my heart.  I was beginning to question past decisions, the people I'd chosen to surround myself with, my ability to judge character clearly, why I was living in a city (Los Angeles) that represents fame, excess and lack of morals, where my life was headed and how on earth I was going to climb out of the rut I found myself in. I had no idea where or how to even begin.

I slowly but surely distanced myself from the toxicity of my so-called friends. Some were friends I'd known since college and others that were newbies, but all were not people who, if I had kids, I would want my kids to hang out with. Don't get me wrong, there were many happy times and great lessons I learned from my "friends" but when you cease to grow and the people around you are engaging in negative behaviors that become harmful to your own pysche, it means it's time to move on. I don't know why it took so long for me to awaken the common sense I'd apparently lost. I'm just glad it happened.

Part of it was having reconnected with my b.f.f. from college. We had gone through a difficult time following graduation and parted ways (not on good terms) due to our inability to deal with our inner demons, admit our own faults and get help. But my b.f.f. contacted me via LinkedIn in Summer of 2008. I waited three whole days to respond. I took the time to absorb her words and be certain that I had no ulterior motive in responding. From the moment we started writing, we easily fell back into our old, fun-filled friendship. We both took responsibility for our past actions and expressed how much growth we'd experienced. As time passed and our relationship grew stronger, I began to feel like me again. I realized that I didn't like this LA party-girl I had become. WOW. I admitted it. I wasn't happy with me anymore. I'd lost direction, gained weight, allowed people in my life who wanted to make themselves feel better by listing my faults for me and telling me how I needed to change, and I'd cut ties with the actual people who'd awakened a passion in me over the years because damnit, I allowed a "friend" to convince me that these people were unhealthy for me. Since when do I not think for myself? This isn't me.

I was ready to move back to the Bay Area to be close to my family again. My mother had been going through some major health issues and needed some assistance so that was another push in the direction of a move. I'd mulled the idea over for the last few months, especially since I'd come to understand that most of the people I had chosen to spend my time with on a regular basis didn't really care for or about me. The decision was made. I just had to tell my "friends." And so I did. I can honestly say that I felt a lack of support. Some "friends" said things in an attempt to make me feel as though I'd failed. I'd lived in LA from June of 2006 to Feb. 27 2009, just shy of three years. My "best friend" would insist I'd only lived there two years as if to say that I couldn't hack it. Well, guess what? I couldn't and I didn't want to. What sane person wants to continue in an environment where people can't be real, where they put up a facade, pretending to be something or someone they are not by living outside their means? Why would I want to continue living in a place where my "friends" were abusing narcotics by taking them recreationally and passing them out to their friends and even selling them for profit? Why would I want to continually subject myself to "friends" who blatantly talk about their "friends" behind their backs? If they're doing it to them, chances are they're doing it to me too! I was more ready than ever to say goodbye. By the way, I'm not saying that everyone in LA fits the above description. I just happened to surround myself with that very type.

For my 34th birthday, I planned a trip to New York City with my "best friend" as a last hurrah. It was my first time back in NY since I was 6 years old. I was born in New York. My family lived on Long Island. My parents were born in Queens and Mom was raised in Brooklyn. I came from a true New York Italian family who never minced words and always spoke their minds. I had such strong character. If I didn't like you, you knew it. I never held back. This was a quality for which my "best friend" condemned me on a regular basis. But the moment I arrived in NYC, I felt as if I was home. I don't mean the kind of home you live in. In NYC, I felt 100% that I belonged. It was a deep knowing, truly understanding where I came from and finally feeling at peace. This was one more sign to me that I was definitely on the right path of getting back to me. To read more about my NYC experience see the blog entitled, "My First Time in NYC" at http://musicgirlonamission.blogspot.com/2009/04/my-first-time-in-nyc.html.

Upon my return from NYC, I began to go through my things, figuring out what I could throw out or donate, and what really needed to move with me. Not only had I been doing a moral inventory but now I was doing a material one as well. My uncle was renting a U-Haul trailer to load all my stuff into and drive up to Northern California. I'd be moving back into my parents' house (Dear God, please help me). Truth be told, I wasn't looking forward to living with my parents again but I didn't have much of a choice since I'd have no job, a small savings account, and little to show for myself. But I did feel blessed and grateful for the fact that I have parents who were willing to give me their support to help me get back on my feet.  I quit both of my part time jobs, packed up and shipped out without looking back.

It's not to say that moving back was the easiest thing I ever did but it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. But so was moving to LA. It stripped me down to the bare bones; coming back built my character back up. I'm stronger than I've ever been. Again I was faced with major decisions that would either move me in the direction of growth or would keep me stuck in the same useless place I'd found myself in for some time.

As soon as I moved back I began looking for a job (unfortunately, this tedious task still remains on my daily to-do list). I got myself into a routine of running three miles a day at least three to four days a week which eventually turned into six to seven days a week. Rarely a day passes that I don't work out. I feel like a schlump if I don't. In 2007, life came to a total standstill following the break up of my year and a half long relationship. Because I was acting out by regularly drinking with friends and consuming unhealthy foods, I found myself lying on my couch for 10 days straight from a nausea I'd never experienced before. Following several trips to urgent care, I was diagnosed with acid reflux and put on medication. Eventually, with the meds, I got the illness under control but moving back to the place where I grew up and starting life all over again, it was my goal to get off the meds (I've never believed in putting foreign substances into my body unless absolutely necessary, especially for things that can be controlled with diet and a change in lifestyle). I knew I had to get my health in tip top shape. That's exactly what I did. Along with the shift in my exercise regime, I did a 180 degree turn with my eating habits and soon stopped the medication. My acid reflux was gone and I lost 20 lbs. I was a whole new person! Not really, but physically, I felt like I was back in my 20s.

During this already challenging time, I was running my mother around from doctor to doctor, to emergency rooms and urgent cares. She was in and out of hospitals for surgeries, treatment, and physical therapy. We thought the worst was over until she began crying of excruciating pain. This went on for months. It wasn't until a few months ago that doctors finally discovered the true source of my mother's pain. She was operated on two more times and is now on her way to a full recovery.

As this was all happening, my "best friend" was sending me aggressive e-mails accusing me of being a bad friend and of not making time for her. Funny because I seem to remember trying to talk to her and being told that I needed to be "scheduled into her calendar" because she was so busy. After many failed attempts at communication (I tried my best to maintain some connection so as not to throw a friendship completely by the wayside), I decided to put some distance between us but she called me on it over and over again. I just didn't want it to become a battle. I didn't want to run down a laundry list of items or reasons that it was no longer healthy for us to be close. Maybe that was the coward's way out but I didn't want to be judgmental. I just wanted to do what was best for me. But she couldn't understand my need for separation. Nor was she happy with the fact that I removed several of her friends from my Facebook page (they were her friends, after all). She told me that she couldn't maintain a relationship with me if I couldn't be friends with her friends. What kind of friend is that? I could see the demands flying. Too many expectations here. I could smell the end of this friendship coming from miles away.

Early in 2009, I began a long-distance relationship with a good friend that ended almost as quickly as it began. We had met through work and had been friends for several years. He was significantly younger than me but he appeared to be mature. He had strong morals, came from a close-knit family and we seemed to want many of the same things. I really believed the relationship would work but discovered that he wasn't quite the great communicator that I thought he was. So I ended it after a few attempts at making things right. Besides the years of friendship we shared, there are some positives that I can take from the short-lived relationship for which I am grateful. The first is that I recognized early on that this wouldn't work and I took the necessary steps in order to let go rather than dragging out the inevitable.  The second plus about this relationship is that it awakened something in me that I hadn't felt for a long time. I've spent the last decade determined that I didn't want to marry or have children but something about this man opened my heart to the idea that maybe those things are possible in my future. That's a huge step for me. And it feels good to admit it. So thank you to this special man for breaking me wide open.

Toward the latter half of the year I traveled to Raleigh, North Carolina to visit my b.f.f. and her family. I call this my "healing period." My "Eat, Pray, Love" moment, if you will. I was so wound up from months of no sleep and pure emotional exhaustion. It took me the entire six days to wind down. On day one, I remember driving through the back streets with my b.f.f. behind the wheel and crying. I don't mean just crying. I was bawling. Here was months of pain erupting from within. I was embarrassed but also knew that this woman sitting next to me understood me and knew that I was grieving and letting go. She and her husband helped me spiritually to find my center again. The word gratitude cannot explain how much I appreciated that they opened their home to me, gave me so much love (along with their children) and helped me see more than just myself. It was also during this trip that I responded to the latest accusatory e-mail that I had received three weeks prior from the "best friend." I was ready to say my final goodbye and let go of all the drama that had slowly worked its way into my life.

Since returning from Raleigh, life has been much calmer. Yes, there have been bumps in the road along the way but I am handling them with much more grace. I had the sheer pleasure of spending the last few weeks of 2009 with the family I love so much and friends that I adore. It gave me renewed hope for 2010, a year that I'm certain will be filled with plenty of smiles and a lot of faith that was so difficult to find in '09.

2010... I welcome you with open arms. I love you already.