When Life Changes You

I was working at a semiconductor company in the Bay Area when I was contacted by a recruiter for another high-tech company.  After several rounds of interviews I received an official offer letter that left me feeling as if there was potential growth within the company so I couldn't pass it up.  I started within the week.  Little did I know the real reason I would find myself at this new job had nothing to do with my career path.

I'd spent my entire life dating Hispanic men.  I’m full-blooded Italian and didn’t know much about dating other cultures.  I had no idea that my life was about to change so drastically.

I was at a peaceful place in my life.  I had worked through so much of my past that I could honestly say I had no hang-ups on any former boyfriends.  I've always used one relationship to get over another so it was a first for me to find myself not pining away for someone.

I remember the day I met him.  I was introduced to him along with so many others that I didn't remember his name.  He was Asian, a culture I didn't have much experience with (certainly not in the relationship department), one I’d never had an attraction to other than the food.  I’d see him walking through the hallway or from across the building and he would always very eagerly say hello to me.  I eventually pointed him out to a coworker to find out his name.

My first real communication with him happened while that same coworker and I were working on a team building event.  We were compiling team rosters by having each person draw numbers from a bag and placing their name next to randomly written numbers to form the teams.  As he was drawing his number he asked if I was going to the event.  I had recently re-injured my tailbone over the weekend when my nephew jokingly pulled a chair from underneath me and I was in such severe pain that I backed out of attendance.  He seemed disappointed.

One day while he was talking to an employee at her cubicle he cut her off to ask me what I had done over the weekend.  I could tell this guy was attracted to me but I was only interested in being friends.  That same day on the walk to my car in the parking garage, he came speeding around the corner in his fancy sports car and stopped abruptly when he saw me.  We chatted and he asked me to go to lunch sometime.  I brushed him off by agreeing but not really intending to follow up and then waved goodbye.

I don't know what got into me the next morning but I shot off an email asking him if he'd like to go to lunch that day. He replied yes almost instantly.  I usually ate at noon but he was in a meeting that was running late so he messaged me a little after 1:00pm that he was ready to go. I was starving!

We met at the elevators and walked to the garage together.  I don't know why I was so nervous since I wasn't interested in him but I felt shaky and had sweaty palms.  Conversation was easy as the chatter flowed.  We went to an Asian fusion restaurant that we both liked and we ordered a couple of things to share which I had never done with a man before.  Maybe it was because I knew he was attracted to me but I felt like I was on a date.  He even paid for me being the gentleman that he is.  We talked about relationships because that's where he wanted the conversation to go.  He said he was in a three-month relationship but that it wasn't working.  I barely ate my food out of pure nervousness; again not sure as to why I was feeling so scared.  We really seemed to enjoy each other's company.

The next day he invited me to meet up with him for drinks to celebrate a job acceptance of our coworker at another company.  I wasn't invited by the person hosting the party and I didn’t really know anyone so I accepted with trepidation.  I followed him over in my car as I knew I wouldn’t be staying long.  I can still see the looks of shock on our coworkers’ faces as we walked in together.  I ordered a glass of white wine and sat down on a big chair.  He sat next to me and put his arm around me on the back of the chair which made me uncomfortable.  I spent an hour chatting with everyone and then said my goodbyes.  He walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye.  It was the first time we had any physical contact and it was awkward being that I still had no attraction to him.

That night is when his text messaging began.  He sent me messages all weekend which indicated to me that he was thinking of me as much more than a friend.  Sunday evening I finally gave in and agreed to meet him at the mall for coffee.  When I arrived he convinced me to see a movie which was completely out of character for me when I had to work the next day.  I was already starting to change and I didn’t even realize it.

That Thursday a bunch of us decided to meet up for drinks after work.  I went over with a couple of female coworkers.  When we arrived he was already there with some of the guys.  I immediately made my way over to him and sat down next to him feeling anxious.  As usual, I ordered a glass of wine and some food.  I was so nervous I kept knocking things over.  For some reason, everyone was pressuring me to take a shot.  I rarely drink hard liquor and I never take shots so I knew it wouldn’t end well but I accepted the dare.  I could instantly feel the effects on my stomach and my head.  People started to dwindle, leaving me behind with him and two of the guys.  He said he was going home.  I was uncomfortable staying with the others so I jumped up at the same time even though I knew I couldn’t drive yet.  We stepped outside the bar and sat on a bench where I leaned over to catch my breath.  He put his hand in my hair and down my back to comfort me.  We sat for a while and then walked to my car where we sat inside for a long time until I sobered up.  He put his hand on my knee which scared me and excited me at the same time.  I was fighting the chemistry.  Before we left that night, I agreed to meet him for breakfast the next morning because I was calling in sick to work anyway.

Friday morning I awoke a little hung over but excited to have breakfast with this guy I wasn’t yet willing to admit I had an attraction to.  I had never realized how much race was an issue for me until I met him.  Spending so much time with him was bringing up all my issues.  When I was with him all I saw were his Asian eyes but I knew that I liked him and was having a great time with him so I continued on, holding my secret inside.

We met at a restaurant between our homes.  Ironically, he lived only a few miles from me so this spending time together was very convenient.  I pulled into the parking lot and into the space next to him.  He was sitting in his car.  He got out and hugged me hello and we went inside.  As we waited for a table, kids were everywhere screaming.  We looked at each other with a mutual understanding and immediately jumped up to leave.  We took his car and drove to another restaurant he liked to eat breakfast at.  Our time together was so enjoyable.  We didn’t stop laughing.  He decided to call in sick as well so we could go the movies.  This would eventually become a joke with his boss who would tease him that when I would call in sick, so would he.

We found a theater nearby and agreed on a movie we’d both wanted to see.  Throughout the movie he put his hand on my knee or touched my leg or hand.  My heart fluttered.  I didn’t want to admit that I liked it but I did.  It gave me comfort and made me anxious in a good way.  I spent those two hours sitting next to him hoping he wouldn’t take his hand off of me.

After a few weeks of spending four to five nights a week together having dinner and drinks, I realized I was dating this guy.  My friends and family inquired as to who I was spending so much time with.  I could see the curiosity in their eyes as I would say, “Oh, just having drinks with a coworker” or I would flat out lie about who I was with.  My mother was aware that I would sometimes spend time with a coworker.  She asked if I was interested in him and I responded, “Don’t worry Mom.  He’s just a friend.  He’s Asian,” because she knew I only dated Latin men.  One day I was chatting on the phone with my girl friend when she asked me what was going on with him.  When I said we were just friends her response was, “Whatever you say but I can see this is going somewhere.”  I was scared out of my mind that people would find out when I wasn’t even prepared to admit it to myself.

We would see each other in the hallway at work and my heart would start beating really fast.  His face would light up.  He once told me that he was in a meeting in our boss’ office when he heard my voice and became distracted waiting for me to walk by.  I would stop by his cubicle to say hello and chat for a few minutes but I was paranoid that people would suspect something (and be right about their suspicions) so I wouldn’t stay for long.  We were often together outside of work but I still wasn’t letting him get too close to me.  He would occasionally put his arm around me to walk to or from the car.  One time a colleague at another company ran into us at a bar where we were having drinks.  My guy’s arm was around me when we met eyes with the guy.   It was obvious to him that something was happening between us.  Another night when we had gone out for drinks he walked me to my car, slipped his hands into mine and looked at me like he was going to kiss me.  I abruptly pulled away and said, “Don’t!”  I don’t know how or why he stuck around and pursued me but he was so patient with me.  Instead I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a long hug.  He said, “Thank you for that.  It was nice.”

He was insecure about my past relationships with Latin men and regularly made comments about it.  The biggest running joke he came up with was that I “went from George Lopez to Jackie Chan.”  His constant banter about race didn’t help me to get over my own fears; it actually made them worse.   I was still keeping this big secret locked away deep inside and it was beginning to eat away at me.

Finally I was starting to admit to myself that I was carrying a torch for this man who had interrupted my plans and infected my thoughts.  He asked me one day if I had plans to get married or have children.  I had spent so much time convincing myself that I wanted none of that but I didn’t want him to walk away due to my uncertainty so I told him, “If it happens it’ll be OK with me.”  I think I was really trying to convince myself that day.  Little did I know that soon enough I would be imagining a future and a family with this man.  He had such potential to be a great husband and father.  He was patient, kind and loving.  He was generous, smart, funny and a good listener.  He was exceptionally close to his mother and sister which made me like him even more.  He’s successful in his career and carries himself with such confidence at work.  To this day I don’t believe he knows his own potential but I do.

The day I finally allowed him into my heart is one I will never forget.  We planned to have dinner at a nice restaurant at a hotel in a small town a few miles away.  I knew that this was the day our relationship would change, grow into something more.  The food was exceptional but the dinner itself was nothing unusual for us.  When we were finished eating we walked inside the hotel and sat down on a couch in the lobby.  I sat close to him.  I knew exactly what I was doing.  He put his hand on my leg for a moment as we talked.  I touched his leg then pulled away.  I rested my hand on his thigh again but this time I left it there.  I laid my head on his shoulder and he cuddled with me.  I knew the moment was right so I lifted my head to look him in the eye and put my lips on his.  We shared a sweet and tender first kiss.  I liked his lips.  They were full and warm.  He was a good kisser which surprised me.  I don’t know why I had created so many misperceptions about his race but he was defying all of them.

He drove me back to my car but instead of saying goodbye we remained in his car sharing passionate kisses.  I was surprised at how much chemistry we shared.  We must have stayed there kissing and touching for two hours.  That night I barely slept.  I knew I had fallen hard.

The next couple of months were spent mostly together.  We eventually gave into our whims and I couldn’t have been more pleasantly surprised by him.  We continued spending all our spare time together.  At work he would meet me at my car almost everyday to give me a hug and a kiss goodbye even though we’d be seeing each other in a few hours.  He made me feel desired, sexy and alive.  I couldn’t get enough of him.  I was finally starting to get past the race issue.  One day when we were walking through the mall with our arms around each other a Caucasian kid no more than 18 years old walked by, blatantly looked us up and down and said sarcastically, “Right on.”  It was our first racist comment.  It was the only time I ever let it bother me.  After that I could have cared less what anyone thought because I knew I was falling in love with this guy.

We shared movies, dinners, drinks and intimate talks.  He called or texted all the time.  His attention was always on me.  I thrived off of it.  He asked me to attend his best friend’s birthday party at a night club in San Francisco.  This seemed really important to him, like it was a big deal for him to invite me.  He booked a hotel room and made dinner reservations.  I had a new, sexy, black lace cocktail dress I planned to wear.  The night before, I didn’t sleep very well.  When I met him at his house in the afternoon I had a migraine that was hurting so bad the sun was blinding.  We stopped to get gas and coffee and drove to the city.  The hotel was beautiful and I felt special to be there with him.  As soon as we arrived, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.  He had to call the restaurant to change our reservation time. 

Dinner was delicious as always.  He had a taste for fine foods which never failed.  After dinner we drove to the club.  The music was blaring, making my headache worse.  He introduced me to his best friend and I wished her a happy birthday.  Everyone there had had a lot to drink, especially the birthday girl, and they were all having a grand time.  I felt like I was ruining the party.  We spent most of the night hanging out in a corner talking and cuddling.  His friend came over and pulled him out onto the dance floor.  Of course he dragged me with him but I pulled back because I still wasn’t feeling well.  He quickly came back over to me, eventually deciding it was time to go.

We had a very special evening sharing quality time together.  We talked late into the night.  In the morning he ordered room service and we sat on the bed eating and talking.  That weekend away marked a defining moment in our relationship.

Three months into the relationship I felt him pulling away.  I confronted him which pushed him even further away.  He broke up with me, giving me some made-up excuse of possibly going back to the country he was from.  I didn’t believe it for a second.  I knew he was just scared of what he was feeling for me.  I was heartbroken.  I spent hours at his house talking and crying to him.  It was the first time I told him that I was falling in love with him.  He was dumping me and I was telling him that I loved him.  He comforted me, held me, rubbed my back, kissed me and you can imagine what else.  Then we went to dinner.  Who does this?  I left his house that night devastated.  Who knew that I could fall so fast, so hard with someone I had nothing in common with and wasn’t even attracted to initially?  I sent him a text message telling him that my heart was in pieces.  He responded with an apology and told me he loved me too.

Within a few days of our breakup he began sending text messages telling me his missed me.  We fell right back into our pattern of dinners and spending regular time together.  The breakup brought us closer together.  Eventually we found ourselves right back in the same situation.  When we were together everything was amazing.  We never argued.  We always laughed and shared our lives.  We were perfect together.  I supported his career, his promotion and other significant events occurring in his life and in exchange he supported my health concern, job loss and so many other important moments.  But it always came back to him pulling away from me.  I was scared and confused.  We had bonded so closely and I visualized myself sharing a life with him.  Each time a break up occurred it was worse than the time before.  It devastated me and it would take me time to catch my breath.

It was the most amazing seven months of my life until it happened again.  He tells me that it’s his fault, that he always makes me sad.  I don’t understand how he can run from something so beautiful.  His fear is our only problem.  I honestly see a scared little boy in a man’s body.  It makes me sad that he will let his fear ruin our relationship, our love.

This man broke down so many of my barriers about race, love and intimacy.  He affected my life profoundly and changed me in ways I didn’t understand were possible.  I went from seeing an Asian man in front of me to loving a man who happened to be Asian.  I know that God put him in my path for a very important reason.  Even now I don’t feel as if it’s over.  Maybe God is just giving us a break to gather our thoughts.  And if it’s not in God’s plans for us to be in each other’s lives, I will do my best to accept it and walk away.  It’s in His hands now and I thank Him for giving me this time with the man who captured my heart.