New Photo Shoot

New photos taken in Raleigh by Melissa Hayes of Double Exposure Photography

Tough Times

Ever have such a tough time that you feel like you're losing your way? This last week has been exactly that for me. I actually feel as though the path has disappeared from in front of me. Time to look internally again.

The Woman in Me

Who am I really?  That's the question that digs deep into my soul on a daily basis.  Why do I exist in this big world?

In packing it in and moving back into my parents' house over a year ago, I was forced to eliminate 30% of my possessions and store the remaining 70%, divvied up between my old bedroom and the garage.  I haven't been able to sleep in my own bed or use my own dresser since then.  All I have are my clothes, my computer and a few other small items.  As the months have passed and I've continued to work on myself on the inside, I've been learning how not to associate myself, my inner being, with material things.  "Things" are what tend to define us as a society.  We are so focused on our cell phones, computers, TVs, iPods, clothes, cars and sadly, our profiles on social networking sites, that we forget what matters most - nurturing our souls.  I made a conscious decision to separate myself from as many of the above intruders as I possibly could.  I call them intruders because they "intrude" on our lives by providing us something external to focus on rather than to look ourselves in the mirror and face our own imperfections.  I mean really, who wants to face their demons?  The social networking sites like Facebook impede on our intimate relationships with a false sense of communication.  We accumulate these foreign objects over time as our badge of honor.  These "things" represent who we are by reflecting a false image to others of the type of person we are.  But are “we” really that person that we’ve created?

For me, the "separation process” began over two years ago after reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose."  I hadn't yet made the decision to move out of the fast-paced city of Los Angeles, where I became sort of a wild child in comparison to my past.  I knew that the girl I was when I moved down to LA no longer existed.  I understood that I was changing, slowly peeling the layers off to uncover the true me.  I read self-help books, listened to "A New Earth" podcasts in order to speed up this process of discovery and I talked to my friends openly about the changes I felt taking place.  What I quickly discovered is that I was going through this all alone.  My "friends" couldn't understand this major evolution I was enduring.  This wasn't an experience to be shared with others because they couldn't help me to define the real me.  What they knew was the girl on the outside, the one I showed to them over time with my clothes, musical tastes, the company I kept and the places I liked to go.  In realizing how little they actually knew about me, it pushed me harder to get to know myself.  How could these people know the real me and love me if I didn't know myself?   

What I discovered is that as I was changing.  My view of these people I called "friends" was also changing.  I didn’t want to be around people who represented this facade of a life I was living.  I could no longer see myself spending my time with people who weren't also on a spiritual journey and wanting to grow, rather than staying in the same place emotionally for the next 20 years.  This wasn't an overnight process.  I didn't wake up one day and say to myself, "Hey, I think today's the day you're going to find the true you and leave all your friends behind."  No, that’s not the way it works.  This is a journey I'm still taking and hope to always remain on.  Unfortunately, my "friends" haven't been as understanding as I'd hoped.  Instead, many of them have taken it personally.  I've tried my best to handle it with grace but in the end, they just couldn't grasp where I was coming from and have decided it wasn't worth it to keep me in their lives at all if the relationship couldn't remain the same.

Coming back home, I've eliminated items such as clothes that either didn't fit or were out of style, books, CDs, old bank and credit card statements, and other "junk," which in turn, has led me to the non-material things like old emails that I was saving in my inbox, along with other documents on my computer that had no real value or meaning and didn't need to be held onto.

I've done my best to be less dependent upon the computer or phone to communicate with loved ones.  Of course, sometimes it's the only way to reach out to the ones you love who live far away.  But I don't want to be a slave to technology anymore.  I want to live in the moment, focus on the people that are standing right in front of me and giving me the love in return that I know I deserve.  I'm less interested in allowing Facebook to consume hours of my time with updating my status and playing virtual games.  I do still send the occasional message or write on a friend's wall to say hello and let them know I'm thinking about them but I don't use this as my main form of communication.

And speaking of technology, have you noticed how much "crap" is on television these days?  My shows have dwindled down to a handful as I've grown further and further away from the uselessness of "reality" TV, which is really not "reality" after all.  People believe this stuff is real life.  While the contestants are real people from all walks of life, they do have a script to follow that guides them in the direction that producers want a show to go in.  This is NOT reality people!  The quality of programming currently on TV is so bad that I can't bring myself to watch, save for a few shows I've been watching for years like Desperate Housewives or The Oprah Winfrey Show.  Even those shows have lost my attention with their lack of interesting topics.  What the average person doesn’t understand is that television shows are not made for the simple fact that the audience might enjoy them.  The reason producers strive for their show to be a hit is so they can sell advertising time and make a buck.  It doesn't matter if the show is of good quality or not.  It just matters that it's entertaining to the masses so the masses will watch.  Well, I don’t want to be a part of the masses anymore, not that anyone thought that I ever really did.

Life changes.  We change.  We grow up.  At least I hope we do.  We came into this world in a natural state of happiness.  As life happens and we begin to identify ourselves with material things, our physical bodies and labels such as nationality, gender or our roles in life, we become weighted down and lose our sense of true self.  We forget who we are as the chaos of life takes over.  In order to find that happiness again, we must get back to our natural state by releasing the labels and becoming more of who we were born to be. 

I'm uncertain if this metamorphosis I'm going through is due to age or simply a want for something more meaningful in my life.  Those who know me know that I'm not your average person.  I never have been.  I feel "stuck" when I'm in one place too long, like I'm not learning anything new.  I have that itch to travel again, to explore and see new places or even ones I've already been to.  I just want to go!  Recently it was suggested to me that I become an intern for an Asian spin-off of a major network television show.  Ironically, it’s a reality show.  Why would I do that when I've already graduated college and should be in the midst of my career?  The more I think about it, the more I want to take this adventure and run with it.  I've always wanted to see Malaysia, the filming location.  I would have easy access to Jakarta and Bali, Indonesia, Singapore and Phuket, Thailand.  This is the opportunity of a lifetime so I'm in research mode as I write this.  I'd love to explore the unknown and publish a book about my personal experiences.  If the reality show doesn’t work out, I’ll be heading to San Juan, Puerto Rico to hang out on the beach for a week with my best friend.  Why not?

This is my life - the adventures of a young woman with the need to live.  I don't want to be a spectator watching life as it passes me by.  There is no better time than now to find the Woman in Me.

Entertainment + Science = Education

The Great Planet Earth Debate

A Mission to Bridge the Gap Between Traditional Education...

and Entertainment

Did you struggle through school as a child, wondering if you were the only person out there that just didn’t have the ability to absorb information being thrown at you on a daily basis?  I, for one, spent my entire youth lost and confused.  I couldn’t remember facts and figures, was bored to death in the typical classroom setting and had no interest in doing the work to learn important details in science, history and math that I knew would be easily forgotten.  I sure didn’t have a problem remembering the lyrics to the latest top 40 hit that would drown out all my problems I faced in school – because the songs played over and over again, forcing me to absorb the words as if they were a part of me.  I repeatedly told myself (and others) that if only teachers would put the material to music, I’d never forget a thing!  WOW, what a concept!

Now is the time.  It’s happening.  My dream is finally coming to fruition.

Ignacio Peña has done it again.  He’s managed to fuse music with education.  The Great Planet Earth Debate is music + science + video = education.  While living in Austin, Texas, Peña performed along with his band at a local high school’s Earth Day Event.  Affected profoundly by the experience, the idea for educational concerts flourished and The Great Planet Earth Debate/El Gran Debate del Planeta Tierra was born.

The TGPED concept has taken several years to develop due to its intricate production.  Consisting of a 45-minute rock science show in surround sound, the idea stems from Ignacio’s original show entitled “Phono/Grafico.”  Presented behind the band, multiple screens serve as a backdrop displaying visuals with information and bullet points that flow in sync with live music.  TGPED uses the same premise as Phono/Grafico but instead of the images representing political figures and current economic events, the visuals tell the story of the relationship between humans and the planet they inhabit, and how our modern behaviors are starting to alter the balances that allow for the conditions of our comfortable existence.  The visuals include images of scientific matter, quotes from scientists such as physicist Stephen Hawking, famed inventor and namesake of the electric vehicle, Nikola Tesla, news clips and questions posed to cause the kids to ponder the effect we as a human race have had on our great planet Earth.  The goal is to induce thoughts and ideas in our youth and create a safe environment for DEBATE over the future of our planet.  The show leaves the children filled with an undeniable hope that they can begin to take steps now that will cause greater change and a better outcome for the future of humankind. 

These nationwide “concerts for education” are targeted to middle and high schools, and universities in an effort to capture the imagination of our youth and garner their interest in the sciences and humanity.  With the current state of the environment and the latest happenings such as the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, which affect not only the U.S. but the rest of the world as well, this project is a necessity and will become an indelible part of the educational system.

The first TGPED experience took place last week at the SeriouslyCreative Meeting Space in San Juan, Puerto Rico, where Peña was a guest speaker.  Fifty students from local alternative schools were given first glimpse at the audio-visual experience by viewing TGPED video footage.   The group of kids was allowed to ask questions and provide Peña with feedback in order to make necessary tweaks to perfect his show so that children will get the most pertinent information.  The event was a huge success, with the response to the show being positive and upbeat.

The goal for this concept is for it to become an educational experience in a classroom setting, taking education to a whole new level.  In today’s day and age, where children’s attention-span is at an all-time low, with media and technology consuming their thoughts and actions, TGPED is a necessary tool in our educational system.  The next concert in the series, which Peña is already developing, will focus on flight and space exploration.

THE GREAT PLANET EARTH DEBATE will be a great national effort to better educate our children regarding this amazing Planet Earth. 

For more information:

Check out the trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqPXfpYOrEs

The Debate @ SeriouslyCreative (Puerto Rico):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xj4VqueHU2E

See the video for “Mientras Espero del Fin del Mundo (2010)”:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPIJ-N-CGr8

SeriouslyCreative Blog (Puerto Rico):

http://seriouslycreative.com/blog/?p=77

The Great Planet Earth Debate/El Gran Debate del Planeta Tierra:

http://www.elgrandebatedelplanetatierra.com

You Ken Help (Kenny's Family)

For those that have stopped by to read my entry about the passing of Kenny Lipska, thank you.  If you've been kind enough to share your story about your friendship with Kenny, an even bigger thanks.  It's been helpful to be reminded of this gentle soul we all knew and loved.

My blog has been turned into a makeshift memorial for Kenny and I am happy to do so.  However, I was recently made aware of a site created especially for Kenny's family and friends to visit, leave a comment and even donate money to help his family as he left behind a young wife and two precious sons.  I encourage you to stop by the site by going to You Ken Help.   

Again, feel free to continue leaving comments and sharing your memories of our special friend.  May he rest in peace.

Kenny Lipska... A Soul Lost Too Soon

I received the news yesterday that one of my closest friends from high school was on life support after being diagnosed with spinal meningitis.  It all happened so quickly and now he's laying in a hospital bed on life support waiting to be sent home to God.

Kenny and I became friends through my high school sweetheart and we quickly forged a bond.  His family lived on the same street as so many of the kids we went to school with and he had tons of friends.  All the girls liked him.  He was cute and sweet and funny and kind... and so much more.  He was my friend.

On summer nights we would all sit out in the street listening to music, telling stories, laughing and talking.  When I was sad, Kenny would put his arm around me and let me cry on his shoulder.  When I was happy, he would laugh with me.  When I just needed a friend, he would wrap his arms around me and hold me.

I have so many fond memories of him that I hold dear to my heart.  One summer night, we were all hanging out with his family on his front lawn.  They were a close-knit, religious bunch (he has two sisters).  We were laying down on the lawn cuddled up in a blanket, looking up at the stars.  I never used to show affection like that but he made me comfortable.  He loved me for me.

Kenny is the (only) reason I fell in love with country music.  He and his neighbor Matt got me listening to, don't laugh... Billy Ray Cyrus.  I never would have imagined myself listening to anything with a twang.  If it weren't for Kenny playing "Achy Breaky Heart" I might not have ever opened my heart and mind to country.

On summer days, the gang would all drive out to the local reservoir and the boys would go on the rope swings.  They would climb down the steep hill, grab the ropes hanging from the trees and literally hoist themselves up and into the water.  My best friend Renee and I never did.  I had an immense fear of the dirty green water but we would sit back and watch the boys.  Kenny loved the rope swings.

I haven't spoken to Kenny since high school though I did look for him on Facebook a couple of years ago with no results.  Last summer I connected with an old friend (who was one of the gang that would hang out on that street together) and he is the person who shared this devastating news with me.  I feel sad that I missed out on the last years of Kenny's life.  I'm told that he was very happily married with two beautiful boys.  I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he is gone.  I am beyond devastated that this wonderful friend and good-hearted man has passed away so early in life.  He will be missed by so many.  I can't even begin to imagine how much this has rocked his family's world.  Words cannot express the devastation.

Kenny Lipska, may you rest in peace.  God bless you and your entire family.

*If you have any memories to share about Kenny feel free to respond with a comment.

***Afterthought:  Feeling sad, I just took a drive through the old neighborhood and relived many of the memories.  As I was turning onto the street, Lady Antebellum's song, "Need You Now" came on the radio.   How ironic that a country song would play at the exact moment I was driving on Kenny's old street (I was not listening to country radio).  So sad.

Another celeb gone... too soon?

This morning I woke up to the Yahoo! headline flashing across my screen, "Actor Corey Haim Dies at 38."  Am I shocked?  No, not really.

In one of my toughest entries on this blog, "New Year, New Me," I touched on the subject of drug use and the unhealthy lifestyle that oftentimes comes along with living in Los Angeles.  Another dead celebrity as a result of drug use is no surprise to me.  I've watched as friends destroyed their lives by ingesting prescription drugs, given to them for a valid health issue, soon to be abused for the purpose of having a good time.  I've watched as a friend passed those drugs out to their friends as if they were candy, even sold them for a profit.  I've stood by as that same friend exchanged pills with friends and family through the mail.  This is all too common, especially in Los Angeles and definitely in the entertainment world.  And you don't even need excessive amounts of cash in order to participate.

I recall a very poignant moment during a visit to LA sometime in late '99.  My friend and I were headed down to hang out and party in Hollywood.  Mind you, partying for me is and always has been having a few drinks (sometimes a few too many) but never has it ever involved the use of a drug of any kind (not prescription or non-prescription ... nothing, NADA!).  I've never picked up a cigarette, never taken a pill other than aspirin or a pain killer for oral surgery or a toothache, or the occasional sleep medication, which by the way, I no longer do).  We were in the car with my childhood friend and his very pregnant girlfriend, driving down Sunset Boulevard to go to a couple of hangouts where all the action goes down.  I remember my friend talking to us about ecstasy and how it was so commonly used in his world (meaning the LA/entertainment world).  I said, "I've never used it and never would.  I have no desire to."  He shot back at me, "Oh, that'll all change when you move down here."  Both he and his girlfriend swore up and down that a life in LA would mean that I'd give up my morals and values simply to fit in.

I was in shock that these people, one who's known me since I was a little girl and who I thought understood me, would even suggest that I'd give in.  Just because they'd done so, did that mean I'd have to?  I think not!  That is one belief of mine that I can promise has never and will never waiver.

This brings me back to all of these celebrities (actors, singers, wanna-be-somebodies) dying of drug overdose, whether accidental or intentional.  I beg the question, can you have an "accidental" overdose?  Do we not all completely understand the consequences of putting these dangerous foreign substances into our bodies, right into our blood stream, in most cases mixing them with other lethal drugs?  While they may not intend to kill themselves, how can we claim it's an accident if they know the possibility of death is there?

And while we're on the subject, is it me, or do these types of overdose deaths seem to be occurring more frequently?  I remember vividly, back in the day, the untimely death of entertainers such as River Phoenix (1993) from a drug overdose outside the Viper Room on Sunset Blvd.  A few years later it was Dana Plato (May 1999), actress from the sitcom Different Strokes.

Now it seems to be happening way more frequently:  Anna Nicole Smith (February 2007), Heath Ledger (January 2008), Michael Jackson (July 2009), Adam Goldstein AKA DJ AM (August 2009), Brittany Murphy (December 2009), Corey Haim (March 2010).  Why are these people doing this to themselves?  And why do "we" tend to idolize them?

I pray that the next time you want a feel-good fix, instead of popping a pill or something potentially worse, ask yourself the question, "Do I want to die?"  Because if the answer is no, then don't do it.  Find someone to talk to: a friend, confidant, parent, therapist, or better yet, go get some exercise.  That's a natural high that will continually make you feel better, not just give you a false high that will send you crashing back down.

Life is for the living!  Stay strong and be healthy.